Inevitable
by Marta TP
Summary: Right. This is a college AU. I know, I know there are plenty of that, but just give it a try. Delphine is an exemplary student, but something in her life is about to change and perhaps things she held so dear may not have the importance she gives them. (really that sucks - hate summaries). It's Cophine.
1. Nice to Meet You

I woke up with the annoying sound of my alarm, a throbbing ache in my head from the terribly slept night. Apparently, Olivia, my roommate, thought it was a good idea to bring someone home in a school night and honestly, that would be totally fine by me, I try not to pry, it's her life, she can do whatever she wants. But the fact that the sounds that came from her bedroom were enough to keep me awake for the better part of the night and probably the neighbors too - well, that kind of pisses me off.

Throwing the covers back, I make an effort to leave the bed. Olivia might be fine missing classes, but that's not for me. I move to the bathroom and start my morning routines, but the mirror is not graceful to me: my blonde curls are even more uncontrolled than usual, from the tossing and turning I spent my night in and, probably, from eventually having to put the pillow over my head to keep the...indiscreet noise away from my ears. I avoid looking at my eyes, knowing they would show the huge brown bags they get every time I don't get a decent night's sleep.

With the toothbrush in my mouth, I enter my bedroom again, going over my wardrobe and settling for some denim jeans and a simple black top, which I place on my bed, before moving to the kitchen.

At least today I don't think I'll be faced with a gigantic mess in the kitchen, like last time she brought someone home and decided it was a good idea to bake while...well...baked.

Olivia and I never chose to be roommates, we just happen to both need a place to stay while we graduate from Berkeley and since neither of us knew anyone here or could afford a rent on our own, the landlord proposed we share the bill and everything that came with it. And so we did. The first few months were catastrophic and, to be completely honest, the only reason I didn't leave immediately was because I had no place to go or a way to pay for it. But, as time passed we adjusted to each other, we even became friends, albeit after many, many argues over the common areas, who does the dishes and who cleans the bathroom. So, even if today I'm absolutely annoyed with her, generally we get along pretty nicely.

Pushing the door to the kitchen with one hand while the other's still working with the brush to get the morning breath away I meant to go directly to the coffee machine to get it going – I have a feeling today I'll need plenty. But as I reach the coffee machine I notice it's already on and now I'm just surprised, can't believe Olivia beat me to it, especially after a night out. I turn to get a look at the clock that's hanged on the wall above the fridge.

"Oh, merde!" I say probably louder than I should, when I see a small woman looking at me with the fridge door open behind her. I have no idea how long she's been staring, but I'm not happy to have a stranger going over my things. "Who the hell are you?" I ask with an accusing toothbrush, pointing at the small figure.

"Oh, man, I'm so sorry!" Her hands raised in an attempt apology. "I didn't mean to scare you." She says, her voice is soft, but the amused expression she has on her face is more than enough to tell me she's anything but sorry.

"That doesn't answer my question!" I say sharply. "And can you please close the fridge's door!"

She does, but the amusement doesn't leave her face, if nothing else it just grows. "Sorry..." She says again and now she's not even trying to pretend it, not holding down a chuckle.

"Can you tell me what the fuck is so funny?" I don't usually curse, but something about her cocky grin has me on the edge of my self-control.

"Wow..." She seems taken aback from my sudden outburst, her hands waving vigorously. "I'm sorry, but it's kind of hard take you serious when you have so much toothpaste on your chin."

My hand goes immediately to my chin, my fingers rubbing off the toothpaste from it. "Okay, thank you." I say weirdly. "Now, can you tell me who are you and what are you doing in my kitchen?"

"Isn't it obvious?" She asks, while her hands point at herself as if presenting an evidence. "Or is it normal for half-naked girls to pop in your kitchen?"

For the first time since my eyes laid on the girl I make them focus. She's dressed in nothing but a white tank top and some close-fitted blue boxers, her brown hair tied in a bun on top of her head and there's something weird with it, but I can't exactly understand what from where I'm standing. A small silver ring on her nose. My eyes travel lower, even without me wanting, her thighs are firm, as it's her calf, flexed on her right leg since her left one is resting slightly crossed. She's barefooted, making her tinny frame even smaller.

"Good enough look?" She asks and the smile never leaves her face.

I start to feel the blush creeping to my cheeks. "You're Olivia's...friend?"

The small women chuckles and her entire body shakes. "Man, we are many things, but friends...that I don't know. I think we're not there yet."

I don't like it, the way she's talking, I think she's using me as a joke. "So do you have a name?"

"Of course I do, doesn't everyone have one?" She's on the move, going around the cabinets, opening and closing the doors.

"Can you just please answer one question like a normal person?" I give her a not so gentle push on the shoulder and take a mug from the cabinet, placing it on the balcony in front of her.

"Thanks!" She grabs the mug and starts to pour the coffee on it, taking an experimental sip. "Prefect!" Snaps her tongue. "Cosima, my name's Cosima."

"Well, Cosima, did Olivia give you permission to come and get coffee?" I ask a little softer.

"Are you kidding, she's out cold." She starts to move to the kitchen's doors. "Actually, I should go check on her. You can get some coffee if you want."

She leaves and I release a deep breath. "Olivia..." I said low, reprimanding my roommate as if she could hear me. The door slams open again and I caught the breath in my throat. "Could you stop do that?" I don't even have to turn, I know fully well who it is.

"Do what?" She raises her brow, but then her free hand gives a dismissively wave. "Never mind… Just... I never got your name."

"That's because I never gave it to you..." I say annoyed.

She snorts, doesn't seem in the least bothered with my sharp tone. "It's okay, I can get it from sleepy beauty over there." Cosima says, pointing in the direction of Olivia's bedroom with her thumb. A fast smirk and she is gone again, but the door's not even shut when she peaks through it again. "And you still have toothpaste on your chin." Gone for good.

"Merde!" I take my hand down again swiping what was left of it off. But just in case I go to the bathroom and look at the mirror. Yep, all gone.

I get to my bedroom and start to dress quickly noticing that I am already late. A quick stop in the kitchen, I reach for my thermos and the pot of coffee, holding one in each hand seriously thinking about throw that coffee away and make a new batch. But I don't have time for that, so I fill my thermos and leave.


	2. First Impressions

I arrive just a couple of minutes late for my first class, but the fast pace of my walk left me out of breath. The professor turns an ugly look my way, but doesn't say anything, proceeding with the class as if nothing changed. I stay put in my usual chair in the last row, trying to get my mind to focus in the monotonic voice of the lecturer; the hour drags slowly, as I write down the notes on the tablet that always accompanies me to class. But I feel wound up, this morning's event steeling my concentration. Olivia should be more careful about who she brings home for her play nights; one day we're gonna wake up to find the house empty of everything that has some value. Sure it's not a lot, but we do have a nice TV and then there's our laptops that often spend the night on the coffee table in the living room.

When the hour ends I leave the room, joining my classmates by the door, calmly waiting for the flow of bodies to diminish; I have a free period next. Usually I use that time to go to the library and go over the last class, but today I don't feel like it. So instead I go to the bar and sit quietly on one of the tables that's further from the cashier and, thus, also from the big cluster of students.

However, I don't stay still for long and my brain is censoring me for spending an entire hour doing nothing but look at other people. I search my bag again for my helpful little gadget and my hand brushes on the thermos, which is still full since I didn't even have the time to get some coffee. That realization makes my head pound, the lack of caffeine along with the sleep deprivation squeezing my brain next to nothing.

The scent of the strong beverage hits my nose once the cap is off and I am about to take a big gulp, but stop halfway. I look at the line of students that are waiting to be attended and quickly decide that is better to have the coffee I brought with me, after all it can't be poisoned, Cosima _did_ drink it.

The coffee is strong with a bitter edge, just like I love it and after a few small sips I find myself drinking it with pleasure. At least I get good coffee from my roommate's escapade! When it's time to go for my next class my mind is much more alerted and the next few hours pass faster.

At the end of the day I force myself to go to the library and go over the day's classes. The silence that fills the big hall sends my spirit to rest, this is my world, where I feel more comfortable. I'm totally immersed on the large textbook in front of me, my eyes travel between it and the notes next to it. I scribble something on the notepad.

"Hey'a sexy, wonna make out behind the bookshelves?" Someone whispers next to my ear.

I'm startled and it causes me to cross a big line over my notes. I turn and face the same annoying grin from this morning, but now her eyes are hidden behind big spectacles. "What are you doing here?"

She moves around the table and sits in front of me without asking permission. "That doesn't answer my question!" Cosima says, the smile always on her lips.

And now I'm really pissed, not only is this girl half the reason for me not to be able to sleep last night, she also managed to ruin my morning and now she _invades my world_. I chose to ignore her, returning my attention to my notes, but I can't concentrate, I feel her eyes piercing me, making me too selfaware. I sign deeply, so my voice won't rise over the acceptable levels for the place we are in. "Do you have to be here? There are plenty of free tables."

"Yeah, but you're not in them, frenchie." She answers, leaning forward over the table.

"So, you're on a mission to piss me off!" I turn a page on the textbook, even though I'm nowhere near finished reviewing that page, but I just need to do something with my eyes to avoid her stare. "And don't call me that!"

"It's either frenchie or blondie," she raises two fingers in front of my face "you chose."

"I thought you got all the information you need from Olivia." I point out.

She scoffs. "I did, but I rather this much more." She finishes the sentence with a wink.

I hum and refocus my eyes on the book, I shouldn't be turning red, but the blush is fast escalating to my face. Cosima remains still, but I feel her gaze, the little hairs on the back of my neck rise, as if they're liking the attention. But I'm not, I'm absolutely not liking the attention her stare is giving me; I need to study and I just can't with her here.

I'm about to voice my protest when Mrs. Croft, the _library's guardian_, as she's affectionately known among the students, reaches our table with the arms filled with large textbooks.

"Here you go, Cosima." She places the books in front of the little brunette. "Just be sure to return them Monday, okay?"

"Sure, G, no problem!" Cosima stands and wraps her arms around the big stack of books.

I watch Mrs. Croft leave with a small smile on her face and Cosima giving her a wide grin. Not until now I notice that she has dreads on her hair. "You go here?" I ask suspiciously.

"Don't sound so surprised, I might get offended." She says, her eyes on me again, the playful expression never leaves her face.

"No, I just never saw you, that's it!" I try to explain.

"No wonder, you always have your nose stuck in a book." She starts to walk away.

I find myself watching her leave and feel a weird bang on my chest to which I pay no attention. I manage to stay until is almost eight, even if my study hours are not as productive as they usually are.

As I leave the library I wave my goodbye's to Mrs. Croft, who has a cryptic smile on her lips, as if she knows a secret that she won't share.

I arrive at my place to find Olivia's slender body drapped on the couch, remote in hand, zapping the TV's channels. I say "hi", but move fast to my bedroom, getting my things ready for the shower.

It's not until we're seated at the kitchen table, having dinner, that I gather the courage to ask my roommate. "What have you told Cosima about me?"

Olivia looks confused. "You've met her?" She asks, her fork halfway to her mouth.

"Yeah, this morning. She hasn't told you?" And now it's my turn to be confused.

"No! We've hardly talked this morning, she was in a hurry to get to class." Olivia's clear green eyes are staring at me behind the glass that's stuck to her lips.

"I saw her at the library in the afternoon." I say between bites.

"Really? Does she go there?" My roommate asks with a raised brow.

"You ask me? You're the one who brought her home last night!" I look at Olivia annoyed.

She just snorts. "We didn't talk much..." She simply answers.

I can't believe my roommate's lack of judgment. "Okay, so what do you know about her?" I ask, trying to get the big picture.

Olivia starts to raise fingers as she talks. "I know her name is Cosima. I know she's hot. I know she has magical fingers and a wonderful tongue."

I blush, but I'm used to my roommate's casual approach to her sex life. "I know! I heard!"

"Yeah?" I nod. "Girl, I'm sorry, but…" She laughs loud. "What am I saying? I'm not even a little bit sorry. Tough you caught the bad end of it."

"Yeah, thanks for the solidarity." I say sarcastically.

I'm on the couch typing fast on the computer, if I don't start working hard on my thesis I'll never meet the deadline to apply to the PhD program. Olivia enters my sight, she's getting ready to leave for another night out.

"Do you want to come?" She asks with a smile, this is a typical joke between us. Olivia knows very well I'm not going out. Unless is a special occasion I usually don't. "C'mon Del, is Friday night! You need to get out and have some fun." She tries, she always does.

"You know I can't. I'm so lost with my thesis, I don't even know what I'm going to write about." I complain.

"I thought you were already decided." She sits next to me and points at my computer's screen. "If you don't know what is it, what are you writing?"

"Just playing with some ideas…" I scroll the mouse, making the screen show page after page of words, I get angry and shut the lid. "If only I could settle for something!"

Olivia gets to her feet again and grabs my arm, starting to pull me, trying to get me up. "Let's go, Delphine! I promise you'll have fun!"

But I don't budge. "I don't see how that could happen, remember when you brought all your friends to dinner here? Well, that was a disaster."

"That's because you didn't make an effort to be nice." She stops pushing. "But fine, I know they can be a handful." She was grabbing her purse. "You can talk with Cosima, find more stuff about her."

"I don't want to find more stuff about her, she's obnoxious. All I want from her is distance." I bitterly say.

"Too bad, 'cause, if I'm lucky, she's gonna spend over another night." She winks and gets out the door.

Even when my eyes are screaming for rest I force myself to stay up, fumbling with ideas, but no light sparkles in my mind. As the night progresses I get more and more upset. I _need_ to find something so I can start working on it and get my dissertation moving or I'll be in hot water.

It's almost three in the morning when I hear voices outside the door, then keys jingle and shortly after I hear them fall to the ground and a loud. "Oh, fuck!", then giggles. After some time they are turning in the lock.

Olivia enters and a small figure follows suit. Their eyes are bloodshot, it's clear the two women are not in possession of their entire capabilities. My roommate goes to the kitchen without looking at me. I think she hasn't realized I'm still up and seated in the couch, on the same place I was when she left. But Cosima stays by the door and looks at me with her, apparently, typical grin.

I turn my eyes to the computer and restart to type. The brunette walks a little closer and when I say nothing, she sits by my side. I can smell the alcohol in her breath and the distinguish scent of pot, which I became familiar with since Olivia and I moved in together. "What are you working on?" She asks, her voice is raw and she clears it.

I half-close the lid of my laptop, preventing her from seeing what's on the screen. "None of your business!" I say, turning my head to face her stare.

"Jeez, what rubbed you the wrong way?" For the first time since we met, she acknowledges my not so nice mood around her.

"You did…" I mumble, looking away.

Cosima says nothing and I'm glad that for the first time I manage to give her an answer which she has no comeback to. My eyes go to her again so I can glow over the achievement. But when I see her face, my heart sinks: Cosima's smile is gone and in its place a straight line on her lips, her brows arched and her eyes show something that resembles hurt just a little too much.

"Oh crap, Delphine, I didn't know you were still up." The voice of my roommate distracts me to another place in the living room.

She's standing by the kitchen door, two beers in hand. "Yeah, I was trying to get some work done." I reply.

"Did you?" She moves closer and hands Cosima one of the beers.

"Not really." I shut my computer's top all the way and place it on the table in front of the couch. "I think I need some sleep. Good night." I get up and start to walk to my bedroom's door.

I glance back and see Olivia pushing Cosima's arm, making her get up. The smile reappearing in the small girl's lips. "C'mon Cos!" Olivia encourages, pushing Cosima to her bedroom.

Before I close the door to my bedroom behind me, I can hear them chuckle and the door closing roughly.


	3. Introductions

The urgent need to pee woke me up, I try to shake it off not really wanting to leave the bed. The bedside clock tells me it's almost eleven. At least last night wasn't as loud as the previous and, even though I could hear some muffled sounds, they were not enough to keep me awake or maybe I was just too tired to pay them any mind. Anyway, for whatever reason, this night was much calmer.

My bladder is seriously angry and there's nothing I can do but get up. Getting close to the bathroom door I notice it's shut, which doesn't happen unless someone's inside. I hear the flush go off and then the faucet, patiently waiting for my turn, although the sound of the water running doesn't help my situation.

I knock on the door. "C'mon, I need to go!" I say loud.

The door opens and is Cosima who makes her way out. She says nothing and her face is a mask of indifference, she walks to the kitchen and I quickly enter to take care of my problem. After I turn my attention to the mirror, much more pleased with what I see today as I try to get some order on my hair.

I go to the kitchen and I can smell coffee even before I open the door. Cosima's inside, the same mug I gave her yesterday secure between her hands, looking out the window. Our apartment might not be spacious, but from its tenth floor we have a splendid view of the bay and, when the fog settles, we can even see San Francisco's skyline. She doesn't turn, her eyes fixed outside.

"Can I take some coffee?" I ask.

"It's your house." She replies, shrugging, her eyes not leaving the window.

I pour myself a cup, my eyes locked on her small frame. Cosima's already dressed in the same clothes she was last night: a deep blue long sleeve shirt and some jeans; but she's barefoot again. Suddenly I feel self-conscious remembering I'm still in nothing but small shorts and a t-shirt that's so large that barely manages to cover my shoulders.

I leave the kitchen without another word and go to my bedroom, coffee in hand. It's clear that the little brunette is still upset about my harsh words last night and I can't help but feel guilty. Sure, she was a little...inconvenient, but never had she been unkind and I was. I realize now that perhaps I could've been less rough with her and probably Cosima got the bitter end of the frustration I was feeling last night. However there's no reason for me to get so upset – if I know my roommate well, next week she'll find a new toy to play with and Cosima will be out of my life for good.

I finish my coffee while I get dress in my usual weekend outfit: loose grey sweatpants and a black tank top. There's something I _will_ miss once Cosima's gone – she makes a wicked coffee.

I stop by the kitchen again to put the mug on the sink, finding Cosima still there, on the same spot, she hasn't move an inch. I say nothing and go to the living room seating on the couch and light a cigarette while I wait for my laptop to turn on. Once it's fully functional I try to resume the work from last night.

"Aren't you gonna eat anything?" A soft voice standing by the kitchen door deviates my attention from the screen.

"I'm good, thank you." I watch her move closer to me and she sits on the low table in front of me. "Do you have to sit there?"

She opens a small grin, but it's still not like the one she usually has. "You think it can't take my weight?" Cosima hits her knuckles on it. "Looks pretty sturdy to me." I laugh a little. "Oh, so you _do_ know how to laugh." Her smile opens a little.

"Only when it's funny." I try to compose my face again.

"You think I'm funny, then?" And her grin keeps growing.

"That's not what I said." I refocus my attention on the screen, but it's hard when I feel Cosima's eyes on me. I give her an ugly look, however it's not convincing enough because her eyes don't leave me.

"Are you gonna tell me what's so interesting on your computer?" She's leaning forward, trying to peak over the lid.

"Nothing is, that's exactly the problem." I say, but this time I don't try to keep her from looking like I did last night. She hums and keeps looking at me, expecting an explanation. I decide to give it. "I'm trying to get my thesis going, but…"

She gets up from the table, seating next to me on the couch and looks at my screen. "I don't see what's the problem, you have so much done." She leans and taps the down key making the pages go down. Cosima stops somewhere in the middle and her eyes start to read, she's quiet for some time and although I usually don't like other people looking at my papers before I complete them, I let her keep reading. I don't know why, maybe is a way to compensate for my abrasive words.

Cosima leans even more and her torso is almost all the way on top off me. "Do you want the computer?" I ask sarcastically, in an attempt to get her off me.

"Sure!" And she takes the computer off my knees. I laugh softly. "What?" Cosima asks, looking at me with a curious expression.

"Do you even understand any of that?"

"Of course I do. I'm in Microbiology too." She answers me and seems a little upset.

"You are?" I can't keep the surprise off my face. I knew she was in the same department by what she said yesterday, but I had no idea we were in the same Major.

"We even shared some classes, you know?" Her eyes keep scanning my written words.

"I'm sorry, I haven't noticed you." I try to apologize for my distracted mind.

"Well, I have noticed you!" She says. And now she is looking at me, her gaze intense. I swallow the lump I haven't realized was forming in my throat, the same way I never realized we were so close that our arms were touching and when that happens I start to feel my skin burn everywhere it's in contact with hers.

"Look at the two nerdies…" I jump at Olivia's voice and to hide my startled condition I get up. "Is Albert coming over today?" She asks seating on the couch next to Cosima.

"No, I'll meet him in the afternoon." I answer. "He had a late night sift."

"Good, that way I avoid looking at his scrawny face." My roommate says, poking her tongue out of her mouth.

Cosima's eyes don't leave the computer, but I know she's not reading - her eyes are too still and her finger is not taping vigorously the down arrow – she's most likely paying attention to our conversation.

The animosity between my boyfriend and my roommate is an old convention. Truth be told, I was never surprised by that, their personalities are the opposite of one another. While Olivia's approach on life tends to be relaxed, living the motto live and let live to the limits, Albert has a much more careful demeanor, a lot like myself. So every time he spends the night I have to become a buffer between the two of them.

"We can go lunch out, though. You can meet him after, yes?" My roommate offers.

"Sure, we can do that." I agree.

"Wanna join us, Cos?" Olivia asks her...guest.

Cosima looks at her, turning her attention away from the screen. "I can't! Saturdays is lunch with mother day." She starts to get up, placing my computer on the table. "You should go for immunology, seems to be your strongest field." She says to me, but is heading for Olivia's bedroom and doesn't look my way.

She's not two minutes there before she returns to the living room with her shoes on and a purse on her shoulder. Olivia is fast joining her by the main door step. "Will I see you tonight?"

"Hmm... I don't know. I'll call you!" Cosima says before leaving.

Olivia then sits heavily on the couch, sighing deeply. Opens a half-smile when she notices I'm staring at her. "I'm glad that you two seem to be getting along nicely. I _really_ like her!"

I laugh gently. "I wouldn't say _nicely, _but not as bad. And you always say that..." My roommate's take on love is a very loose one.

She gets up and moves to her bedroom, but leaves the door open and I can hear her." I don't know, Del. She's really amazing. And I am not talking just about the sex. Cosima is fun and smart..." She's walking to the bathroom, with small-clothes in hand.

"I thought you only cared how hot she is..." I say as she passes.

"Well, a little bit of brains won't hurt..." She winks and enters the bathroom, closing the door.

I get back to the couch and to my computer. Remembering what Cosima said and noticing that the page that's on the screen was actually written when I was fumbling with the idea of making the main focus of my thesis immunology. I give it one second glance and decide to give that idea one more chance. It can't hurt.

My lunches with Olivia are always fun for the simple reason that she enjoys trying to embarrass the poor waiter that's stuck with us just a little too much.

"Tell you what." She directs to the young man who's serving us. "I'll have the oysters if you promise to take me home right after we're done with the meal."

"I... I..." He starts to stutter. "My shift doesn't end until eleven..."

"If you ask me, they're working you too hard." Olivia bats her long eyelashes. "I can help you unwind."

He's fully red and I think my friend had enough fun. "We'll have the New York strip. Thank you." I say giving him the menu and he leaves. Then I turn my attention to Olivia. "I can't believe you're not even a little sorry for the dude."

"And I can't believe you're so serious all the time." She takes a big gulp from the coke.

"And I thought you we're _really_ into Cosima."

"Oh, I am." She laughs. "But a girl can still have some fun. Is not like I'm whipped like you."

"I'm not whipped, I just happen to be in a two-year relationship and satisfied enough not to mess with anyone else." I point out.

"Oh, don't worry I'm pretty satisfied, at least until tonight." Olivia turns around in her chair, reaching for her phone inside her purse, which is hanged on the chair. "Speaking of which, let me see if Cosima said anything yet."

"She's with her mother, right?" I try to get some information about Cosima, even though by now I know that, despite what she said, she didn't try to do the same with Olivia.

"Yeah, apparently she's local, but lives alone." Olivia's eyes are on the phone. "I don't know..." She says dismissively, placing her phone on the table. "Still nothing!"

"It's early." I observe. "Give it some time..."

The lunch drags itself for two hours, as it always does with Olivia, but today her attention is divided between me and quick glances at her phone. Maybe, this is it, maybe someone managed to steal the rebellious heart of my roommate. And I can't help but feel happy for her; it's about time. Although, part of it is also selfish: I'm tired of waking up to new faces every other month.

After lunch I leave my roommate to meet my boyfriend at the park near campus.

He opens a small smile when he sees me. "Hi, Del." He pulls me for a hug and I gratefully accept his arms around my waist.

I pull his neck down for a kiss. I'm a tall person, but he manages to be taller than me by a few inches. I pass my hand over his short blonde hair, looking at his sky-blue eyes. "I missed you this week." I say when we pull apart.

"I know. I hate to be in the graveyard shift." He says holding my hand.

We walk hand-in-hand without hurry to get anywhere. Ours was always a relation based on comfort, on understanding and companionship. We often compare our relation to a smooth cruise around the ocean, with sails wide extended and the breeze softly blowing on them, until it leads us to a safe harbor. I feel safe with him, knowing that if things turn for the worse he'll be there to support my every decision.

The afternoon draws to a close and the wind is starting to make us feel uncomfortable in the esplanade we've been seating for the better part of the afternoon, talking about our week.

"So, do we go to your place?" He asks, when we get up. "Is Saturday night, so Olivia's most likely out."

"Yeah, I bet she is." I answer, remembering my roommate's enthusiasm at lunch. "I think she has a date."

"Yeah? Who's the poor sucker of the week?" Albert has a smile, but I know better than that. He's a lot more vocal about Olivia's way of life and, quite honestly, more distasteful of it, than I am.

"Cosima. She seems like a nice girl even if a little..." I stop, looking for words.

"A little what?" He looks at me with a brow rise.

"I don't know... Quirky, I guess." Although I not entirely satisfied with my choice of words. "Anyway, she's in Microbiology as well."

"Really? Did you know her before?" We're getting closer to my place.

"No, not really." I search for my keys inside my purse and open the door.

"Hold that!" A small voice keeps me from closing the building's door.

I turn and see Cosima walking fast in our direction and it startles me that, even if I don't know her for more than two days, I can recognize her small frame in the din light of the early evening.

"Al, this is Cosima." I say without any further explanation. "Cosima, Albert, my boyfriend."

"Hello Al!" She has a weird smile, one that I haven't seen on her lips yet.

"Cosima." He greets her, extending his hand and for a few painful seconds I think Cosima will leave him hanging. But then she takes it and I release the breath I didn't know I was holding.

We take the lift and the ride up is tense. My fellow student is in front of us, closer to the door, facing it. I notice Albert sizing her up, but say nothing. We finally reach the tenth floor and I am grateful to leave the small space. I open the door, expecting to see Olivia half laid on the couch, but she's not there and there's some noise coming from her bedroom.

I hesitate for a moment before saying to my two escorts. "Wait here!"

I knock on my roommate's door and don't wait for her to give me permission before enter. Three years living together and we've seen each other in all states of undress. "Olivia?"

She's on her underwear looking at her closet with the doors open. "Oh, hey, Del. Didn't hear you coming!"

"Yeah... What are you doing?" I point my hand at her, waiting for an explanation.

"Getting ready. Cosima's coming." She tells me.

"She's here. I ran into her." I inform her. "And so is Al."

At this she twitches her nose. "So I don't get a free pass from seeing is face today." She finally settles for one of the dresses she usually reserves for special occasions.

"Hoping for a big night, huh?" I comment looking at the dress.

"Well, the hardest part is done. I _did_ manage to get her in my bed already." She says with a chuckle.

"Right. Just hurry up!" I tell her before leaving.

I reenter the living room where Albert is seating on the couch and Cosima is in the other end of the room, looking out the window. She's not aware I'm back again and I find myself looking at her profile; there's no smile on her lips, her expression serious, like something's on her mind that's causing her brows to rise in a mask of concern. It feels weird to see this type of expression considering her usually amused mood and I feel my heart squeeze a little over what should be understandable for mere empathy.

"Is she going to take long?" Albert asks and I turn to see him.

"She's just gonna take a minute." I answer, but I'm looking at Cosima again, who turned at the sound of his voice, she's the one who's waiting for Olivia.

We're waiting in silence for my roommate to decide to join us; she's taking her sweet time. Albert grabs my hand and pulls me to the couch next to him, placing one arm over my shoulder. Cosima stares at us briefly before turning to the window again.

I'm starting to wonder if I should introduce some topic of conversation to make our stay less uncomfortable, the silence is making me unnerved. However, I really don't see what could break the silence, I don't know Cosima at all, if I'm completely honest, but I don't think the other two occupants of the room have anything in common.

Fortunately Olivia finally decides to grace us with her presence. "Alright, ready to go, Cos?" She doesn't even bother to say hi to Albert.

"Yeah!" She's smiling again and gets close to Olivia, who wraps her arm around the small woman.

"I would ask you to join us, Del, but..." Olivia doesn't finish, just points at Albert and makes an ugly face.

"Thanks..." They are leaving and I'm left alone with Albert. "Sooo... What should we do?" I whisper in his ear, putting my arms around his neck.

He gets up and moves to the kitchen. "We should have dinner."

I follow him. "That's not exactly what I have in mind." I lean against the balcony, close to him.

"I know, Del." He brushes his lips against mine as he gets to the fridge, opening it and getting some eggs out of it. "But let's eat first."

I sigh and move to one of the chairs by the kitchen table.


	4. Dinner For Three

It's not quite ten on a Sunday morning and I'm already getting up. I like to spend lazy mornings in bed, but every time Albert spends the night I'm not able to do it; it doesn't matter how the weather is, I can't spend the mornings with him in bed. I carefully move his arm out of my waist, feeling uncomfortably hot with his body pressed against mine.

After I leave the bathroom and go to the kitchen, half-expecting to have coffee ready to drink. But I'm wrong, the coffee maker is still off and there's no one in the kitchen. I start the machine and wait for it to brew, I pour myself a cup and go to the kitchen window, staring out, is a beautiful day outside. Taking a sip, I twitch my nose; this is a far cry from Cosima's.

I jump feeling hands moving around my waist. "We should go back to bed." Albert's voice in my ear.

I get out of his grasp. "I want to go outside." I say, feeling a little annoyed. For some reason I don't want him here and I walk to the living room, wishing for him to follow me.

He does. "I thought we could stay in bed a little more." Albert is moving again in my direction, but I don't let him get closer. "What's wrong?" He asks.

"Nothing!" I try not to sound too abrupt. "It's a beautiful day. We should enjoy it!" I don't know why, but his insistence is getting on my nerves and I just want him out of my house, I feel like he's invading my space. It's silly and totally unjustified, we've been dating for some time now and, even if I'm typically very possessive about my things and my space, it has been a while since I don't throw one of my tantrums on his behalf.

'You're in one of those days, huh?" Albert takes a step back, finally realizing that I'm not interested and sits heavily on the couch, his legs on top of the table.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I'm getting irritated with his dismissal manners.

"You know exactly what I mean... One day everything's fine, the next it's winter cold!" He leans and grabs my tablet that's sat on the table and presses the on button.

I move fast next to him and take the tablet out of his hands. "We were talking!"

He gets up, but our argue is cut off when Olivia opens her bedroom door and gets out of it. "Could you put some clothes on?" She asks my boyfriend, who's still in nothing but his boxers.

"Does it bother you?" He says to my roommate. "Last week I saw a guy coming out of your bedroom much more naked." He's sounding bitter by the second. "But I guess it's not the flavor of the week!"

"Albert!" I say loud, wanting him to stop. "It's none of your businesses!"

"Yeah, Del!" Olivia was moving to the bathroom. "He's definitely a keeper!" She slams the door.

"You better leave before she gets out of there!" I tell him, but he's already getting in my bedroom.

"Don't need to ask it twice!" He's dressing his jeans. "I just don't know why you can't move in with me. All this would be avoidable."

"I've told you, she can't afford the rent on her own." I give the same answer I usually do.

"That's her problem." He says putting his shirt on. "You know Del, that's starting to sound less and less like an explanation and more and more like an excuse!"

He leaves and I feel like I can breathe again. The constant fights between Olivia and Albert are getting old and maybe he's right, maybe it's not such a bad idea to move in with him, certainly these argues would end and I wouldn't have to worry about it ever again. But I just can't see myself living with him, where I wouldn't have a space to call my own. With Olivia is different, she understands that there are times I need to be alone, but my boyfriend doesn't and it's weird, we've dating for so long and there's still parts of me he doesn't begin to grasp. I can usually brush it off, however there are times I just don't have the patience.

Like today. He has no right to judge my roommate's decisions, right or wrong, their hers to make. If she's happy going about her life the way she does, who's he, or I, for that matter, to tell her what she should or shouldn't do. Olivia might be impulsive, but she's by far the best friend I've ever had. And, although ours was a somewhat imposed friendship, I learned to trust her and want nothing but to see her happy.

But now she's anything but happy, as she leaves the bathroom and goes to her room, without sharing a word with me. I follow and stand by her doorstep.

"I'm sorry!" I say, watching her get dressed.

"Why?" She asks, looking at me. "You've done nothing wrong!"

"I know, but Al..."

"Is not your problem to solve!" Olivia cuts me off. "You're not responsible for his words."

"If you say so..." I drop the subject. "Hmm... Where's Cosima?"

"She didn't want to spend the night." She answers and I notice some pain in her voice.

"Why?" I ask surprised.

"I don't know... She was fine all night, but when I asked her to come with me, she said she couldn't because she had something really important to do in the morning." Olivia finished getting dressed and is walking to the kitchen.

"What's the matter, then? If she had something to do..." I encourage.

"Yeah... I guess..." She was eating the cereals she prepared.

"Wow... You must really be into her." I observe. "You were never the type to be insecure."

"She's different." My roommate says, continuing to chew her breakfast. When she's done Olivia puts the bowl in the sink. "I'm sorry about ruining your morning with you know who."

"It's okay!" I go to the couch and she sits next to me. "Truth is, it was already ruined... Probably."

"God, I lost count of the times I censured myself for forcing you to get out that night." Olivia says. "Fucking bad luck, one of the few times you decide to come, you have to meet him."

"Don't say that, Olivia!" I tell her, pushing her close with my arm over her shoulder.

"It's true. He only got looks, everything else... whoosh..." She passes her hand over her head. "He's a total prick and it pains me you don't see that."

I don't answer, I know is useless. Besides, it's hard to disagree with her today, after what he said. We just sit there for some time and say nothing. Eventually we turned the TV on and stay there. I end up having my lazy Sunday morning, the fact that it was with my roommate and not my boyfriend, nothing but a detail.

After lunch I sense that Olivia is becoming restless and when I ask her what's upsetting her, she laughs it off. But I know her better than that and after some insistence my roommate finally folds.

"I was wondering if Cosima thought I was too desperate if I call her." She says with a little chuckle and I know she's trying hard, but Olivia couldn't hide the nervousness in her words.

"Just call her!" I tell her, a little tired of this insecure Olivia who's a total stranger to me. "If you want to get together, call her and invite her over."

"Okay, okay..." She fumbles to get the phone stable in her hands. Winking she presses sometimes on her phone's screen and I start to hear the dial tone.

Cosima takes some time to answer. "Hi, Olivia." I hear her clear and cheerful voice.

"Oh, hi Cosima." Olivia sounds stupidly surprised.

I raise both my hands and mouth "what the fuck are you doing?" But don't say it loud, I don't want Cosima to know I'm listening. I motion with my hands for Olivia to continue talking, because she had forgotten, apparently, that she's talking on the phone.

"So... I was wondering if you would like to come over!" Olivia manages to say, but she's amazingly red.

"Hmmm... I don't know! I'm kind of swamped!" Says the voice on the other end.

My roommate goes mute again, but after a few painfully long seconds she says. "Delphine and I really want you to come over, we're trying a new meatloaf recipe and we need a guinea pig!" Olivia talks fast and I can do nothing to make her stop without giving away that I've been hearing the entire time.

"I thought you said Delphine was going to be busy with shitface all day?" Cosima says and I immediately look at Olivia who gives me an apologetic smile.

But I'll not let it go so easily. "You're on speaker!" I say loud and I know I don't need to say anything else.

"Oh, shit!" I hear from the other end, but Cosima is giggling and doesn't seem the least bothered. "Sorry!"

"No, you're not!" Looking again to my roommate and I see she has her hands together in a pleading gesture. "But you still should come over." I say.

Silence. Then. "Okay! But I won't get free until eight."

"That's perfect!" Olivia answers and after a few more words ends the call. "Thank you!" She tells me and gives me a quick peck on the cheek.

"Shitface, huh? That's a new one!" I get up and get one cigarette out of the pack.

"You know me, I'm always innovating!" She laughs.

"Yeah? Well, you better innovate a meatloaf recipe, because I have no idea how to make that!" I light up, looking at her.

"You don't know?" Her face's alarmed and she gets up from the couch like she's going somewhere.

"No!" I keep calmly smoking. "I'm French, meatloaf is as American as apple pie, which, by the way, I know how to do! What were you thinking?"

"I wasn't, I just needed a reason to get her here!" And she's pacing back and forth in our living room. "How can you be so calm?"

"Why should I get nervous? You're the one who wants to get in her pants...again!" I keep looking at her with an amused expression. "But fine, I'll help you!" I get my tablet from the table and hand it to her. "Look for recipes! Next we need to shop, because, even if I don't know how to do that, I know we don't have what we need."

Olivia wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me for another kiss to the cheek. "Thanks! You're the best!"

"I know!"

The next few hours have absolutely nothing to do with a relaxed Sunday. We went shopping for anything we needed to make dinner and Olivia made sure we had plenty of wine to accompany the _excellent meatloaf_ we would cook.

"Are you sure this is what it said to do?" I ask suspiciously. There's something about this recipe that doesn't sit well with me.

"Of course! Do you think I don't know how to read?" Olivia looks a little offended that I doubt her culinary abilities. I won't say anything else, even if the memory of the last meal we ate cooked by her is very vivid on my taste buds.

It was almost eight and I had to admit it did smell good. I was finishing the mashed potatoes when Cosima knocked and I let Olivia go to the door. They're talking in the leaving room for some time and I could clearly distinguish the voices of my roommate and Cosima, even though they reached my ears somewhat muffled.

I'm busy stirring to make sure the potatoes don't burn. "I'm sorry about earlier!" I turn and see Cosima standing by the door. "You know about the shitface thing!"

I keep staring at her, not knowing what to say. What do you say to something like that anyway? She's staring back, moving closer to me, looking deep into my eyes, but she's undisturbed, the smile on her lips is a constant and it's unsettling me.

Her eyes leave mine and look down at the pot. "Don't burn that!" Pointing at it. I manage to shift my eyes down and restart stirring. "So... That's not the meatloaf?"

"No, mashed potatoes." I avoid her gaze. "Olivia's the one who's responsible for the meatloaf!"

"Hmm... Divide and conquer!" Cosima moves her hand in the direction of the pot and I know what she pretends to do, so I shove her hand away with a little slap. "Ouch!"

"Be patient!" I tell her but I'm smiling and I can't stop doing it, don't know why, but it feels comfortable having her here. She's moving closer and leans on the counter, her eyes' attention between my face and the pot. "What?" I dare look at her eyes again.

"You're incredibly cute when you're focused on something." Her voice is low, little more than a whisper and I can feel my face heating up and know that it has nothing to do with being close to the burners.

"Do you enjoy embarrass me?" I keep looking at her big brown eyes, which doesn't improve my redness.

"Yeah, I do!" Cosima is always smiling and I really don't know what to do with her. I hate that she has the ability to leave me speechless, it doesn't happen often and the reason why it's happening now is leaving me restless. "I should go back to the living room!" She finally gets some distance between us. "Don't let it burn!" She points once more to the pot that I forgot to stir again.

I turn off the fire, it's more than ready. Waiting for my body's temperature to get back to normal, I move for the fridge to get a bottle of the white wine which has been seating there all afternoon and get three glasses from the cabinet. As I enter the leaving room I see my roommate and Cosima shamelessly making out in the couch, Olivia's hands griping the little brunette's waist, pulling her closer.

It's not the first time I see my roommate in a...compromising position. God, it's not even the tenth, but there's a little shock in my heart. I put it aside and clear my throat to get their attention. Cosima jumps with the noise, quickly getting up and I see a guilty look on her, which is uncharacteristic of her. For all the times, with all the inappropriate things she has said to me, she chooses now to feel guilty.

I force myself to smile and put the glasses on top of the coffee table. "I thought it was a good idea to start with some wine, to...break the ice." I look at Olivia, who's not nearly as disturbed as her smooching partner. "But I seem to be a little late for all that!" In try to joke it off; I don't want Cosima to feel unwelcome.

"Always thinking about others, aren't you Del?" Olivia says, getting up as well and taking the bottle of my hands to pour the wine in the three glasses, handing one to me and another to Cosima, who's standing by the window, her eyes not leaving me until Olivia gives her the glass, when her stare shifts to my roommate and the smile, which was hidden, reapers, but not as wide as usual.

"Shouldn't you check on the meatloaf? Is still on the oven!" I say to Olivia.

She rushes to the kitchen with a "oh fuck!"

"I'm sorry about that!" Cosima says when we're alone. For the first time she seems to mean it.

"It's okay! It's not the first time it happens!" I give a soft laugh, but it's shaky and awkward.

"I bet!" She comments and laughs as well.

"I mean, it's not like it happens all the time!" Now I think I could've put Olivia in trouble, leading Cosima to believe it happens all the time, which doesn't. "But I've lived with Olivia long enough to have seen it before, you know. We're very open about our relationships with one another... Not like shearing every detail, but we talk. We're friends and living together has these consequences!" I cannot stop talking and it's getting more embarrassing with every word. "Although her love life tends to be much more eventful than mine. But not over the top, just..."

"Okay, you need to stop!" Cosima raises her hands and her laughs get louder. "You need to learn to stop while you're ahead!"

I take a deep breath. "What I mean is that Olivia seems to like you quite a lot, like..." I stop and roll my free hand in the air, looking for the right words.

"Like making up a dinner to get me here!" She completes and I think I didn't hide very well my surprise, because she scoffs. "C'mon, give me a little credit! What surprises me is that _you_ went along with it. I thought you didn't particularly like me!" Cosima gives two little steps in my direction and her voice drops.

We're close enough to have a conversation in a tone that won't reach the kitchen. "Well, she really likes you!" I repeat. "And it's not that I don't like you, but you're terrible at making first impressions."

She laughs softly and the sound of it seems to echo in my head. "Yeah, you're not then first person to say it."

"Maybe you should work on it." I find myself giving one step in her direction.

"Why?" Cosima raises her brows and her body leans closer to me. "First impressions are just that, people tend to give them too much importance!"

I take a sip from the wine forgotten in my hands until this moment. But I need to get something in my throat to keep it from going as dry as it is now. Cosima mimics me, but her eyes don't leave mine. "It puts people off!" I reestablish the line of conversation we were having.

"Did it put you off?" She asks and, even though her question makes perfect sense considering what we're discussing, I feel like there's a double meaning to her words.

My response to her question is involuntarily gulping the entire content of my glass.

"Looks like someone is thirsty!" My roommate's voice comes to me and I turn rapidly, relief to see that she's smiling, meaning she wasn't hearing our conversation. "The amazing dinner's ready!" Olivia announces, her smile growing.

We decide to eat at the larger table in our living room. I notice my roommate's anxious expression as her guest takes a fork to her mouth and tastes the food. Cosima's expression gives nothing away, probably because she knows she's being closely observed.

Cosima sets the fork in her plate and slowly takes a sip from her glass. I think I see an amusement playing in her eyes, like she's teasing us. "Well..." She snaps her tongue a few times, her hands deliberately on top of the table. "I have no idea how your other recipe was, but this one..." She pretends to be looking for words. "Is just... Awful!" She laughs.

Olivia laughs as well, but I see she's hiding a concerned expression. "How bad?" My roommate asks.

"Let me put it this way." Cosima explains. "If the other one is eatable, I would keep it!"

"Oh, c'mon Cosima, it's not that bad!" I try to help Olivia, even though the brunette is right. "I don't think we'll die from this."

"Thanks!" There's a bitterness in Olivia's voice that I don't hear often. Then she gets up and leaves to the kitchen.

I glance at Cosima who's staring down at her plate with a frowned face. "Excuse me." I say getting up and moving to kitchen for some damage control. I see that Olivia is taking out of the fridge another bottle of wine. "At least we've plenty of that!" I say to her and she turns.

"Yeah..." She murmurs, but her face is serious.

"Olivia is not that bad! Really!" I try to cheer her up. "We were just joking. And I don't think Cosima's the kind of person to stop seeing you just because you can't cook."

"I know, but..." She gets close to me. "I just wanted to... You know... Make a good impression."

"You don't need to know how to cook to make a good impression!" I get near her and surround her with my arms. "Just be your sweet self. You've done the hardest part, remember!"

"I guess..." Olivia says, but she's not fully convinced.

"C'mon, let's go back." I push her. "I don't know much about hostess etiquette, but I think leave your guest unattended is a cardinal sin."

We move back to the leaving room and Cosima is still seating. "Sorry about the food!" Olivia says when the petit woman turns at the sound of our footsteps. "But, hey... Desert will be much better; we bought it already made!"

"Glad to hear it!" Cosima answers and opens a modest grin.

But she's more careful with her words, clearly affected by my roommate's little outburst from earlier. It bugs me a little, tough, to see Cosima's disposition taking a turn for the worst and deep down I can't help but blame Olivia for it. Shouldn't she, at least to some extent, predict something like that could happen? I mean, it's not like she had a lot of practice cooking, usually is me that does that when we eat in.

Then it hits me: what the hell am I thinking? I should be worried about my roommate, who I know and am friends with for nearly three years, not Cosima, who I just met and means nothing to me other than being the reason why Olivia has been acting so unlike herself lately.

However, as the evening progresses Cosima's mood improves and she's almost like herself. Almost… There's still some thought put into her words and she keeps staring at me, when Olivia's not looking, with a wary expression in her eyes. Although I have no idea what it means, I can assume she's wondering if she's getting herself in a relation with an, somewhat, unstable woman. Which I would totally understand; Olivia has been acting so odd this night. But that's not like how she is at all; my roommate is usually a very relaxed person, a lot like Cosima, if I think about it carefully. There's no reason for her to be acting like this.

Glancing at the clock I notice it's past eleven and figure is time to give them some space. I get up. "Alright! That's it for me tonight!"

"Yeah, me too!" Cosima gets up as well.

"No, please stay! I need to go to sleep because I have class early tomorrow, but you should stay." I tell her.

"Well, I have class too! Remember! We go to the same place…" She says with a smile.

"Right!" But I start to move to my bedroom. "Good night!" I shut the door. At least I can give them some privacy, so they can say their goodbye's.


	5. She's a Bitch!

The next few weeks were calm and I took the chance to advance in my thesis. Don't know what made it possible, but I must have been in a good place because had a burst of inspiration and was progressing fast with my work. I've decided to follow Cosima's advice and go with immunology and once that was settled the words just started to flow and I was well on my way to meet the deadline to present the work.

However my burst of inspiration did not have my roommate's company and I was starting to get worried. Olivia might not show it often, but I know she also wants to enter the PhD program and there's no way she is going to make it if she continues to disregard her responsibilities. Lately she was spending too many nights out and cutting classes too much, even for her loose standards. I know it was because of Cosima; the brunette has not called her since the night she came over to dinner and, as far as I know, they haven't met either.

I have no idea why Cosima was acting like that, never thought she was the kind of person to do this, to cut someone from the root and just stop call abruptly. Then again I never got to know her all that well. Regardless, I was not surprised it happened; no matter how long you know a person you can still get disappointed, let alone when you barely know them. But, even so, I was still upset with the little brunette, how could she do that? Sure, Olivia has her little issues (who doesn't?), but she's a kind person, who doesn't deserve to be treated like this.

While my roommate was crumbling to pieces my relation with Albert was flourishing. Eventually he got over from whatever it happened between us and we got back to our normal gentle breeze. I couldn't help but think it was somewhat related with Olivia's bad mood. He seemed to be happy when I told him about how things between her and Cosima fell apart and did not refrain to be very vocal about his thoughts. It annoyed me and sent Olivia's nerves through the roof, but I ignored it. There was no way I was going to choose sides in this fight.

Things would get back to normal. Eventually. I was sure pretty soon Olivia would get back to her old self and go back to her crazy life routine. And once that happens she will stop duck her head every time Albert makes a less than nice remark. Not that I wanted that, no that's definitely not it, but it would be a sign I had my roommate back.

It was a Tuesday when I returned home from another day at school and found Olivia, still in her pj's, laid on the couch, surfing through channels that I decided I had enough.

I shut the door violently and say to her in a harsh voice. "How long do you pretend to keep this up?"

She looks at me startled. "What do you mean?"

"This!" I say to her, keeping the tone of my voice loud, my hand pointing at her. "I want my old friend back! She's not worth it, you know. If Cosima stopped calling than it's because she can't see what an amazing person you are."

"You don't understand." She's still looking at me, but her expression has shifted and I know she's about to cry. "She's..."

"Incredible, awesome..." I cut her off. "Yeah, yeah... I know all about that. But tell me: If she's so amazing how come she's acting like such a bitch?" I ask bluntly. "Forget about Cosima and move on!"

"It's not that simple!" Turning off the TV, Olivia gets up.

"Why not? It has never been a problem for you before."

My roommate stares at me hurtful. "Thanks! You've been learning a lot from that douchebag of a boyfriend of yours!" She throws the remote to the couch and starts to walk to her bedroom.

"That's so not what I meant!" I follow her, but stop before enter her bedroom. "It's just... Merde... Listen, I understand Cosima got to you bad, but if she's not willing..." I stop, looking for the right words. "Why should you be stuck with her when she's not going to do the same for you?"

"I just don't understand why she would lead me on if she was not interested!" Olivia is calming down and her words, instead of hurt, are starting to sound bitter. "I mean, you don't want nothing, fine! We had a good time, but that was it. I could understand that... I've done that; time and time again. But for a moment she made me believe there was something else there."

"Right!" I'm happy she's starting to see my point of view. "That only proves my theory"

"Yeah! She's a bitch!" Olivia says conclusively.

"She's a bitch!" I agree. "Now, c'mon let's go out to dinner! We need to celebrate this revelation."

"Wow, you must be really happy with this!" She starts to move to her closet, taking a dress out of it. "Wanting to go out on a school night."

"That's because I just want to see you happy." I start to leave to get ready. "But just dinner! I want to go to class tomorrow." I shout back.

During dinner Olivia's mood improved greatly, although that was probably due to the generous amount of wine we both consumed with our meal. I know tomorrow morning I'm going to regret this, but now it feels just fine.

The next day I was feeling like crap, as I knew I would and the day was long, the classes dragging on and a blistering head ache never left me all day. After class, I was on my usual seat in the library reviewing the day's classes when an annoying giggle resounds over the high ceilings of the room. I look around, not sure from where it comes. Not finding its origin I get back to work.

A few moments later and the sound returns. For instants I think that, in my less than blissful state, I'm hearing things, but scanning the seats around me I notice the sound is also annoying other people. It's not long before I see a tall girl with a long blond hair make her way out of the long row of bookshelves in one of the darkest corners of the library. And, no matter how much she tries to play it easy, I think everyone notices her get out with shaky legs and flustered face. It's obvious to everyone what had happened and I still don't understand how can anyone put themselves in that position.

However, after some whispering and comments were exchanged, the usual silence returns to the library. I try to take advantage of the peace while it lasts and get back to my notes. But there's something wrong, I can't concentrate and have the strangest feeling I'm being watched. I look around but see nothing worth of notice; everyone is interested in their studies or at least pretending they are well enough for me not suspect anything. I force my head down and my eyes to stay focused in my work.

Having enough of trying to work and don't succeed, I gather my things and start to leave. Passing by many desks occupied, there's only one that gets my attention. Cosima is seated not too far from the main door and next to her, leaning and whispering something in her ear, is the tall blonde who left the bookshelves not too long ago. I am fastening my pace and push the door to leave, wanting to get out as quickly as possible.

I'm closing the door to exit the main building when I hear. "Hi, Delphine! Wait up!"

But I don't slow down, in fact I move even faster. I definitely don't want to talk with Cosima right now. However, she gets near me and grabs my wrist as soon as I reach outside. I turn and face her. "What?" I say brusquely.

She's taken aback from my rasped tone and her hand leaves my arm. "Just... Wanna say hi."

Cosima opens her characteristic smile, but I'm not going to let it captivate me, like it has done before. "Hi!" I spit. "There! Happy?"

"What's wrong?" Her smile quickly fades her face as she notices my disposition.

"You can't be serious!" I get closer to her. "How dare you ask me that, after what you've done to Olivia?"

Cosima takes a step back and I can sense she's a little intimidated by my mood. "I've done nothing wrong. She knew what it was from the start! It's not my fault Olivia misinterpreted our... You know."

Her hands keep moving as she talks and I stupidly find myself distracted by the movements. "Well, she did." I manage to say. "Can you blame her? You go out three nights in a row and even go to dinner at her place. If it was you, what would you have thought?" I start to walk again, trying to leave.

"Shit... I know okay!" Cosima is moving next to me, fighting to keep up with my rapid pace. "I never wanted that. But she kept calling and..."

"And what?" I stop suddenly and she stops with me. I look hard at her. "You thought why not continue to play along?"

"Of course not!" She's upset with this conversation. "I wanted to stop seeing her, but..." Cosima shakes her head and all the dreads move around her small face. "You know what? Never mind... It doesn't matter."

"That's just it, right? It doesn't matter because you don't care about how you make other people feel." I keep going, laying on her all my thoughts, my filter's long gone. "As long as you have your fun, everything is good. When you're done, you move on to the next one. Like that girl from the library. Are you gonna do the same with her?"

Cosima takes a step back again, but now is not because she's surprised by my words, I think she's getting ready for a fight; her expression is a decisive one. "Are you even hearing yourself? You're being a fucking hypocrite. So... Let me see if I get this right: when Olivia does it it's all fine, but when is someone else... Hmm... Not so good!"

I don't say a word for a while, considering what she told me. "She never hurts other people."

"And how do you know that?" The girl answers fast. "Do you know them? Have you talked with them after Olivia's done with them?" She's starting to make me feel guilty; she's right and I know it, I just never thought about it this way. Cosima's eyes soften and her voice drops back to her normal tone. "I'm not trying to make you feel like crap, okay! But you're being unfair. I never wanted to hurt Olivia, that's why I tried to stay away from her and then you told me she really likes me and... Well, I thought it was better to cut it off completely."

"You could have called her!" I say a little calmer.

"Okay, do you want me to call her?" She looks around her pockets. "Shit... My phone's inside. Can I borrow yours?"

"You better be joking!" I can't believe that I'm fighting back a smile.

"No, not at all..." Her face is serious and her hand is extended, waiting for me to give her my phone. I restart to walk away. "Hey, Delphine c'mon... Why do you have to be like that?" Cosima calls back after me.

"She's my friend and you hurt her. That's why!" I answer not slowing down my pace.

But she moves fast to my front, stopping me with her hands on my shoulders, which she removes as soon as I take a step back. "Can I get your number?" She has the audacity of asking.

I laugh bitterly. "_Now_ you better be kidding!" And take a step to the side so she's out of my way.

"No! I'm not!" Cosima persists. "I could use some help with immunology and by what I saw, you can handle yourself in that." But I continue walking away. "I can ask Olivia for it, you know!"

I turn to face her with my most austere look. "You will _not_ do that!"

"Wanna try me?" She asks challengingly.

"Please..." I roll my eyes. "You didn't even have the nerve to ask her my name!"

"You're right..." She shakes her head again. "Bad idea. I don't know what I was thinking." Her eyes are locked on the ground and she starts to walk back, leaving my side. Shaking her head to herself.

My heart sinks, for some reason I don't want her to leave my side. I want to be the one to leave her hanging, not the other way around. I feel like I've just lost a battle, even if I've said everything I wanted to her.


	6. Round One

When I arrive home I say nothing to Olivia about my encounter with Cosima, there's no point in it. I know it will only aggravate her further and I don't want that, especially now that my roommate seems to start to get over it. So I just share a few circumstantial words with her before going back to work until it's time to dinner.

However, she can feel something is wrong with me. I'm lost in my thoughts, Cosima's words echoing in my head.

"Is everything alright? You've been very quiet today." Olivia asks me when we're eating in silence.

"Yeah, sure. Just..." But I stop, I don't know how to speak my thoughts without sounding too judgmental.

"Is it Albert? Did his stupidity finally get to you?" She's laughing smoothly and I genuinely enjoy it. It's nice to hear her laugh again, to see her face lighting up, even if it's at the expenses of my boyfriend.

"No, we're good. More than good, actually." I answer and she scowls. "It's really about..." I hesitate once more.

"Jeez, Del! It's fine... You can tell me whatever." Olivia assures me. "I would rather hear about how you and Albert are close to an end, but..."

"We're not close to an end!" My roommate twitches her nose as if she got a bad smell near her. "Have you ever thought about the girls and guys you go out with, but never call back?" I ask bluntly, like ripping a band-aid.

She reclines in the chair and remains in silence for some time. "Yeah, sure!" She starts. "I even cross paths with them from time to time. Although most of the times we pretend we don't know each other."

"That's kind of sad, non?" Her frown turns a little deeper and I know I have to explain myself. "I mean, you share something incredibly personal and then go to not meet at all."

"I see your point, but this is all about the way we face sex. We're different, you and I." My roommate is about to explain her theory and she raises her hands. "Okay, for you sex is something that needs to be accompanied by deep feelings and an amazing connection with the counterpart."

"I fail to see where that's wrong!" I defend myself.

"I'm not saying it is... Just different!" She proceeds. "For me sex is something that requires a connection, sure. But it's a connection that's a lot more instant, it's in the moment. If you feel that click why deny yourself the pleasure?"

"Instant gratification." I murmur.

"Sure. Call it all you want." She winks at me. "But you should try it someday, you get some amazing surprises."

"And some not so good, I bet." I tell her giggling. "And you know I have a boyfriend."

"So? I won't tell him." Olivia bursts into laughs and I can't help but do the same.

Her good mood is contagious. I put aside the reason why this conversation started, my roommate is slowly but surely returning to her old self and pursue my initial intention will achieve nothing but reopen a wound that's still too fresh. Our talk continues light while she shares some of her "not so good surprises" stories.

Another week passes by and the whole Cosima story seems to be put to rest. Olivia returns to her normal schedule, attending the classes that she doesn't considers total bores. And I enjoy it, the calmness of my life agrees with my thesis on the works, the only problem is Albert. The more I'm involved in my studies the more he complains that I'm not spending enough time with him.

Olivia and I are in the cafeteria having lunch, while I'm on the phone with him. "I know Al, but this is really important to me and you know it's time-consuming."

"Yeah, but I barely see you and this week I'm working days and thought we could go out to dinner or something." His voice is demanding on my ear.

"We _can_ go to dinner!" I tell him, like I did yesterday. "Just... it has to be quickly." Olivia is in front of me with a mocking smile and rolling her eyes.

"I don't get it!" He keeps pushing. "Is it too much to ask to have a night out with my girlfriend?"

"No, okay!" And now my friend is making a blabbing sign with her free had. I shove her hand for her to stop. "Listen, why don't you meet me here at the library and when I'm done we can go out, okay?"

"Fine! I'll be there at five!" He ends the call and I release a deep sigh, holding myself not to throw the phone at the table.

"See... What I told you?" Olivia says, earning an ugly look from my end.

"He's entitled to be upset. He's my boyfriend and lately we've hardly seen each other." I defend him.

"He's entitled to shit!" She answers me. "He should understand that school is more important than his needs right now!"

"It's not that simple." I tell her and get back to my almost cold meal.

The library is half filled, as it usually is at the end of the day. I'm trying to work fast, while Albert is seated in front of me, reading one of his enormous textbooks. I told him to take the chance that he is here and study. After all, that's why these walls were built. But I'm feeling too restless for the work I pretend to get done today. I don't like to study with people I know around, not even Olivia. Not that she would want to join me and it's not only because today Albert's with me. The same way I can only study in places that were designed with that intent, she only likes to do it in places that are the least likely to have people with study books in them; like noisy coffeehouses.

I decide that is best to leave, but before I do I'll have to check out a book that I need. I'll go over it when I get home later tonight. Albert might not like that he can't spend the night, but he has to understand that he can't have it both ways: he either gets me during the afternoon or he gets me during the night.

I approach the front desk of the library and am not surprised to see Cosima in an animated chat with Mrs. Cross. I've been seeing her every day lately, after class she's always here, either talking with the librarian, like now or at one of the empty desks studying, I imagine. Always alone, the tall blonde from the other day was never seen again, at least while I'm in. I know Cosima has seen me, sometimes I catch her looking my way and when our eyes meet she gives me one of her cocky smiles, but she never comes to where I am. Her vaguely acknowledgement sometimes stings me, but mostly I'm pleased that she's respecting my wishes and stays away.

"Hi! I'd like to check out a book please." I say to Mrs. Cross when I get close to them, placing the student's card on top of the table. Immediately Cosima seizes my card and looks at the picture with a raised brow, one of the corners of her lips up. I ignore her and patiently wait until she's satisfied and with a grin hands the card to Mrs. Cross, who hasn't said a thing. When it is given to me, I fill the little form with the information of the book I want to take.

The older woman is starting to get up to get my book, but Cosima stops her. "It's okay, G. I got this!" Cosima takes the paper from me and motions me to follow her. "This way!"

I don't like it, but I do as she says, walking behind her. At this point I just want to get this over with as fast as possible. We are moving along corridors of bookshelves, Cosima's not saying anything as she goes, just occasionally looking at the paper that she's holding. The other hand has the keys that Mrs. Cross gave her, the keys chain rotating in her finger.

"Alright, it's here!" She announces when she stops near one shelf. The keys jingle as she opens the glass cabinet and she scans the books. "That one at the top. Can you take it off? I can't reach it."

I raise my hand and reach it. "Perhaps if you've let Mrs. Cross do her job this wouldn't be necessary." I take the book and hold it close to my chest.

"It wouldn't make any difference, she's small like me." My escort says without a hint of resentment. "Besides, I needed a good reason to get you lost in the mist of the bookshelves with me." And she winks. _She fucking winks_!

"If you think I'm one of your toys you're very mistaken!" I say acidly. "And you know I've got a boyfriend. In fact, he's here with me."

"Oh, I've seen him... He's a lovely character." She comments ironically.

"Who the fuck do you think you are to talk of him like that?" She's getting to my nerves again and I can do nothing to stop her. "He's a good guy, who's working hard in his medical degree."

"Of course he is!" Cosima's voice doesn't lose the mocking tone. "And I bet he's the picture perfect for your husband to be."

I stay quiet for a while. Why the hell does she has this ability, to push my buttons in every wrong way. "At least Albert is not in the business of hurting people!" I finally manage a weak comeback.

"Hey, c'mon! That's a low blow." Cosima pretends she's offended, but I know from her expression that she's enjoying this little exchange and it only makes me burn hotter. "I've told you that was never my intention."

I look around us, there's no one here and suddenly I'm very much aware that we're very much alone in a dark corner of the library. "Then you should have never accepted the offer to dinner." I say, starting to walk in the direction of the area where I know there are people.

"I was not there to see her." Cosima is walking next to me.

"Why were you there, then?" I ask, my eyes turned to her.

"Well, I wasn't there for the meatloaf either."

I stop in my tracks while she keeps walking, not bothering to wait for me. Cosima keeps going as if what she said was the most natural thing in the world, doesn't look back to see my reaction. Nothing! It takes me a few seconds to regain myself and restart walking after her, but I lost sight of the brunette dreadlocks and take some time to get to the desks' area.

I look around and see her near the desk where Albert is. It appears she's talking with him. I approach them, my hands holding the book for dear life, as if the knowledge it holds can save me from this predicament.

"We simply must do it!" Cosima is saying and her voice is sweet as honey, a little pitch in it that I know it's forced.

"Hmm... Sure! Why not?" Albert says. His eyes move my way when he notices me.

"Do what?" I ask and I don't remember being so afraid of an answer in a long time.

"Dinner together." My boyfriend explains.

"Yeah! I just can't wait to hear about how exciting it is to go to medical school." Cosima is looking at me as she says this, her voice in the same tone.

I know she's joking, making fun of him, but there's nothing I can say that won't sound too weird. I really don't want to give away the type of conversation Cosima and I had just a little while ago. "That would be great!" I'm not willing to fold. "And you can bring someone." I say to the little brunette, who's looking at me with an amused grin.

"Hm-mh... I'm pretty sure I can find someone to endure me for one night."

_Merde!_ I really thought I had her. I don't want to go on a double date with her. _Shit, Shit, SHIT_...

"Give me your number so we can make all the arrangements!" She's already taking off her phone from her pocket.

I do it. Chastising myself for getting in this situation.

After we trade numbers, Cosima leaves us and gets back next to Mrs. Cross, giving her the keys. That damn, stupid smile on her face. I tell Albert that it's time for us to go and he's more than happy with the news. Before we get out he ridiculously stops near Cosima.

"So... See you soon, I guess!" He says in a goodbye manner.

"You bet, Al!" It's her answer.


	7. The Double Date From Hell

I arrive home and am happy to see that Olivia's still out, I really don't know how I would be able to face her after what happened this afternoon.

I feel tired and decide to take a long shower to try to take away some of the exhaustion that's clung to my limbs. The dinner with Albert was...awkward, to say the least. He was pissed because I told him he couldn't spend the night and I was pissed because he was stupid enough to walk right into Cosima's trap. Although I really couldn't blame him: he was totally oblivious to her intentions.

_And what were her intentions?_ I've made very clear that I was not willing to be one of her puppets that she could play with and then toss aside when she got tired. I know her kind; I live with her kind. And if nothing else, she's the one that made me see how bad this kind of games can end. She played them with Olivia and, for a while, my roommate played with her, in the same sync, but then everything turned to shit, when it got serious on one end. And why the hell am I thinking about this? Like this? I want nothing to do with Cosima! NOTHING!

I leave the shower feeling even more worked up than when I walked in. After getting inside my pj's, I go get the book that I checked out from the library and my phone and settle in the couch to get some work done. But before I open the book I check my phone to see if Albert is already home; he texts me every time. There are two messages, one from my boyfriend, confirming he is indeed home and one from Cosima. "So how are we gonna do this?" it read.

I'm paralyzed, staring at the screen of my phone, doing nothing for a long time, thinking of any way to get out of this situation. "You have some nerve!" I text back and wait for her reply. It comes quickly: "Tell me you don't like it not even a little bit!" And there's a smile creeping in my lips, still I text: "I DON'T LIKE IT!"; "LIAR!", she texts back.

I put the phone down, decided not to continue this conversation. I open the book and look for the chapter I'm supposed to go over tonight. But after a few minutes the phone vibrates and the screen is showing a call from Cosima. I reject it. "Pick up!" Her text comes soon after. "Why?" I text. "I want to talk with you!" and I just don't know how to take it, I don't know how to deal with Cosima, not since I met her. "You need to stop this", I text back after a few minutes. "Do you REALLY want me to? Say it and I'll stop!"

_Putain!_ I keep staring at her last text for so long that the screen of my phone turns off. The screen lights up again when she tries to call once more and I just keep looking at it; her name flashing; red or green; answer or reject; accept or deny. Until it stops. "We should do it Saturday." I text. "Fine! Let me know the place and the time and I'll be there." That's the last I hear of her all night.

That was the last I heard from her all week. Apart from the few texts we exchanged to get everything up, she never tried to call again or sent any other messages. I don't know how to feel about it, but I know one thing: no chance I can let Olivia know what's going on. If she does there's no saying how she could take this. It's awful and I feel like a dick, keeping this from my friend. And I feel lost. And I feel overwhelmed. And I feel like there's something squeezing inside me, gripping my every organ and I can't talk with my best friend about it and there's no way I can let Albert know about it.

Most of all I feel lonely in my agonizing indecision. Why couldn't I just have told her to stop? That I don't want her attention? Why is it so hard, so painful to think that she could go away? I know I don't want her like that, but, somehow, I can't bear the thought of not seeing her again, of not look at that smile, that stupid, idiot, adorable smile ever again. And if I don't want her like that, then how do I want her? What is _like that_?! What is _that_? What the actual fuck am I thinking!?

Right now I decide that I just need to concentrate and get this goddamn dinner over with and move on. That's exactly it! That's what I keep reminding myself until the weekend rolls by and it's Saturday night and I'm getting ready for Albert to pick me up.

I'm jittery and take forever to choose what to wear, finally settling for one of my nicest dresses and one of my favorites too. It's dark blue, close fitted, I top it off with a dark red coat and my best pair of black high heels. My roommate whistles when I leave the bedroom.

"Looking nice, Del!" She says with a smile. "But I think it's a little too much just for a dinner out with the boyfriend."

I've told her that was all that is, a nice night out with Albert. "Just because we're already dating, doesn't mean I can't put on an effort." I tell her, hoping she won't see pass my charade. "Besides, we're going to a nice place. Can't be parading in jeans and a t-shirt."

"Of course he would want to take you to a _nice_ place." Olivia mocks. "Wouldn't want to take the girlfriend to a burger joint!"

"Whatever!" I grab my keys and rush down, Albert's already waiting for me and won't come up.

But as the elevator makes its slow descend to the lobby my concern grows. Yeah, I never doubt Albert would pick some place like that for us to go out. He likes to show he can afford it and, to be honest, I got used to it, after all it's not a crime to enjoy good food in a luster environment. However, I have no idea how Cosima is going to take it. I have no idea what kind of places she usually goes to, but if she met Olivia in a night out then I doubt she and Albert have the same likes. When I texted her the info she made no comment, just said she would be there. Maybe she doesn't even know what type of place it is.

And now, leaving the building and giving a quick kiss to Albert, I'm just concerned. I should've told her something about it, say it was a nice place and she should dress up a little. But now it's just too late.

I'm silent all the way to the restaurant and my boyfriend doesn't seem to mind. Apart from the usual commentaries he's silent as well. I know why I'm quite, I'm nervous, not that I'll admit to anyone, but I haven't got a clue why he is also.

"You're very quiet." I comment in an attempt to relief some of my anxiety.

"Oh… It's just been a long week." He's clearly distracted with something else.

I ran my hand through his hair. "It's okay. We'll just have fun tonight. Relax!" I say, although I seriously doubt my own words.

"Yeah, this should be fun." He glances at me briefly while we're stopped at a red light. "Did you warn Cosima about this place?"

"No, I forgot!" I retrieve my hand from his head and we're moving again, getting closer to our destination.

"Mh-hm…" It's the only thing coming out of his mouth that resembles an answer.

As soon as we arrive Albert goes directly to the attendant who's responsible for the reservations and tells her his name. Within two minutes we are seated in a very nice table and the menus are placed in front of us, a waiter graciously waiting, with pad and pen in hand, for our order.

"We're expecting two more people." My boyfriend tells him and the waiter immediately gets the meaning that he's supposed to return as soon as we are joined by Cosima and her companion. It's something that comes natural to Albert, mastered with many years of going to places like this, to make other people understand what he wants with little effort. He exudes the confidence of someone who was born and raised to lead. "Do you know who she's bringing?" His voice refocuses my attention.

"Who?...Cosima?" He nods. "No! I don't even know for sure if she's bringing anyone at all." I answer him.

"Why wouldn't she? A nice meal all paid for… I'm sure she has plenty of friends who would want to dip in." Albert says sarcastically.

"First, she doesn't know you're paying. Second, if she doesn't know the place then Cosima has no idea if the meal will be good or shity." I'm a little upset with his tone and I let him know.

"Alright, alright… No need to get all vulgar." He tells me with a manner that I don't like. I know he doesn't enjoy when I swear and that was probably why I did it, but he won't raise his voice, not in a place like this; he's too polite.

We wait a little longer in an uncomfortable silence. He keeps looking at his watch; she's late and he hates when people don't arrive on time. Finally, fifteen minutes passed the time we had agreed on, Cosima arrives and behind her is a tall, lean woman, dark-skin, soft features, elegantly dressed in a white and black dress. I feel a pang in my chest; somehow I thought Cosima would come alone.

She catches me staring at the other girl. "Delphine, this is Jen. Jen, Delphine." Cosima says with a little smile. "And that's Al, Delphine's boyfriend."

Albert welcomes them, but is fast to sit back down, still a little annoyed that Cosima left him waiting. We all sit as well and the waiter is fast to rejoin our table placing one menu in front of each of us.

"Hi, Cosima, I didn't know you were coming today." The waiter says, looking at the small brunette.

"Yeah, the reservation was in someone else's name." She tells him and he gives her an open smile before leaving again. I'm staring at her in confusion and she opens a grin, looking back at me for long seconds, but when she speaks is directly to Albert. "My dad is a chef here. Which reminds me: the meal is on the house."

I give her a second close glance. She's wearing a pair of jeans and a colorful shirt, which doesn't seem at all appropriate for this kind of venue. At first I attributed that with her unawareness about the type of place Albert chose for us to come, but now I see it differently. She just doesn't care, she knew plenty well how this restaurant was, she just didn't think it was necessary to dress up. And know it makes perfect sense that her… escort is so impeccably dress and Cosima is not.

"Oh, no. I insist on paying." My boyfriend's says.

"Oh, please!" Cosima waves her hand. "My dad also said that I should take you for a tour of where _the magic happens_." She air quotes.

"That won't be necessary." Albert says and I know he is irritated with Cosima's loose manners. This night is not going as he planned and if there's something that he can't deal with is when things go off-script.

"Oh, okay."

The waiter returns and we order, but he's not as rigorous as he was before and is happily chatting with Cosima, who seems to know him very well. Soon Jen joins in their conversation and I realize that she's not just some girl Cosima met, I actually think their friends or perhaps something more. Next to me, Albert is becoming more upset, with his hand hanging on the air waiting for Jack (apparently our waiter's name) to take the menu from him.

Despite it all we are served fast and with a lot more than we ordered. I know all of this is due to Cosima and now I'm thinking that the fact that we got such a nice table might also be her responsibility.

"So Jen, what do you do? Work? Study?" I ask, getting tired of listening to the two girls talk between themselves. They were not trying to be rude, in fact they tried several times to make us join their conversations, but Albert's short answers put them off.

"I'm in senior year of architecture." She answers with a clear and smooth voice. "And Cosima told me you're in microbiology like her, right?"

"Yes, that's correct." I give a small glance in the brunette's way, who has a discreet smile.

"I don't know if I could work in that field. I need to see the fruits of my labor properly." Jen gives a soft laugh. "If I don't see it, it's not there for me, you know?"

"Well you _do_ see it, just need the aid of a microscope!" Cosima says. "And is the little things that count, there's a lot in our life that isn't visible to the naked eye. It doesn't mean it's not there, it means that you need to pay a little more attention."

"I'm with Jen." Albert decides to give his input. "Cosima's theory is too abstract, but that's a trade of people who spend their lives stuck in a lab and don't deal with real people."

"So you think that just because we don't deal directly with people, our job is less important, that we don't care for them?" There was a challenge in Cosima's voice and even in her body language, leaning forward.

"That's not what I said." He's waving a finger in the air, like he does every time he's about to give a _lecture_. "All I said is that, perhaps if you see what I do every day, you wouldn't have such a…romantic notion on life."

"So you think I need to _see _people in an unbearable position for me to realize that there are bad things in the world?" Cosima scoffs and, next to her, Jen is looking at her with a weird small smile. "My vision of the world is not _romantic_, as you so graciously put it. I want to help people too, I just don't need everyone else to know I'm doing it."

"You think I'm in med because I want people to know I want to help? Is that what you think of all physicians?" Albert is starting to turn red with anger and I'm starting to get worried that he won't be able to hold himself.

"I'm sure that's not what Cosima meant." I try to ease the mood.

"Yeah, that's not what I meant." She looks at me and grins and I breathe a little lighter. "I don't think that of all physicians. And, technically, you're still not one, but I _do_ think that of you." Cosima points at him and winks.

"How dare you?!" I don't think I've ever experienced Albert raise his voice like this, especially in a public place, but he clears his throat and his next words are much lower. "I…People don't become doctors to be recognized, they do it because they're not afraid to get their hands dirty. Which is more than I can say about you're beautiful, sterilized lab."

"You can say whatever you want, if it helps you sleep at night." She relaxes in her chair, Cosima is not nearly as upset as Albert about all this argue. "And excuse you… If it wasn't for people in their beautiful and sterilized labs, your _future_ job wouldn't be more than bleed patients when they had some fever and cut limbs with a common saw when their flesh starts to putrefy."

"Oh, shit!" Jen throws her fork on her plate. "Really, Cos? C'mon, there's a limit you know!"

"Oops, sorry!" Cosima looks at her, leaving Albert to fume all alone. "Okay, let's just get some more wine and drop this." And she gets Jack's attention pointing at a bottle she has in the air.

"You can't just _drop_ something like that!" Albert says.

"Al, forget about it." I tell him under my breath. I can't believe he still hasn't got it that he can't win this.

"No, I understand." Cosima has obviously heard me. "I'm sorry, Al. I didn't want to sound so harsh."

"You know what? I think I'll take that tour." I say getting up. "You don't want to come, right Al?"

"No, I'm good!" He responds mopping. And I thank high heavens that I'm able to take Cosima away from him.

I look at Jen, raising my brow because even though Cosima is up, her friend remains seated. "Oh, my mom's the sous-chef, I don't need a tour." Jen explains and I have to hold myself in order not to roll my eyes.

I follow Cosima and am more pissed at her than I've ever thought I could get with anyone. All this evening, she's being pulling her strings. Albert never had a chance.

"Okay, so we should first start with the kitchen, right?" She says, looking at me over her shoulder.

I get a little closer to her. "I want to talk with you somewhere private!"

Cosima doesn't answer but soon we're inside a room where there's no one else. "The pantry?" I ask looking around.

"At this hour, it's either the pantry or the freezer. You choose!" She stares at me and when I say nothing, she continues. "Okay, what's up?"

"What's up!? Are you trying to make him look like an asshole?" I am struggling to keep my voice down.

She leans in one of the counters, but is still in front of me, looking straight into my eyes. "I'm not doing such a thing. He's accomplishing that all by himself!"

"No! You don't need to be so confrontational, you're pushing him, how did you expect him to react? "

"I expect nothing, I don't know him at all." She answers me. "But when he says things like that I can't stay quiet. Besides, what the hell? How come you just let him say those things? It's your field too and you just lay there and take the beating."

"You clearly didn't need my help to throw him down!" I'm also leaning on one of the counters, in the opposite side of the room.

She opens a cocky smile. "I think that's quite obvious!"

"No! Okay, Cosima, you've made your point. Now can we just have the rest of the night in a more pacific spirit?" She twitches her nose, not happy with my proposal. "I mean, haven't you had enough fun for one night? All this situation with the restaurant was... Unfortunate."

"Hey, I didn't pick the place, I guess he did, right? If it was up to me this would be the last place to come." Cosima says with her head down.

"Oh, really? Then how come you didn't say so when I texted you with his plans?" She doesn't answer, so I continue. "You couldn't, right? You thought it was much more fun to make him feel useless all evening. I don't know what are you trying to prove here!"

"I'm not trying to prove anything, okay!" Cosima raises her head again and her expression is unreadable. "Things just got a little out of my control."

"Bulshit! You've been playing us all night. You've been playing me, since the beginning." I point an accusing finger at her.

"What? That's a ridiculous theory!" Cosima opens a mocking smile. "You think I planed to hook up with Olivia all along just so I get to meet you?"

I stay quiet for a while, considering the implications of my theory. "Fine! Maybe not that long, but..."

"You know, I wouldn't be doing this if you have asked me to stop!" She cuts me off. "But not once you did. And I think is because you enjoy it too much to let me go."

"You think I enjoy having you going after my boyfriend like that?" I give a sarcastic laugh. "And I _did_ told you to stop."

"I don't believe you meant it, but fine!" Cosima moves from where she was leaning all this time and starts to walk closer to me. "Tell me again now... and cross my heart, I will stop. I'll leave you alone altogether and when we pass each other is like we've never met."

Cosima's so close to me now that I have to lean my head down to look at her. And I know, I freaking know what she's doing. I know what's her end game and I should really get away from her, put some distance between us and tell her to stop, get this over with! But I just can't, I can't convince my body to move because it's stuck or my throat to work because it's dry. She is looking right at me, her big brown eyes seem not really sure where to settle though, now focusing on my eyes only to travel lower to my lips, her glasses not able to hide their journey. It causes my body temperature to rise, a heat forming on the pit of my stomach and spread all over.

"You can't, can you?" Her voice is low, somewhat scratchy. "You can't because you like it, you don't know yet, but you can feel it. You can feel it here." And Cosima's right hand moves to the point of origin of the fire that's burning inside me.

My body leans to her touch, because it feels right, it feels like her hand belongs there. But she moves it lower, the pressure of her fingers more intense, just inches from my hip bone. I swallow hard, my lower lip slides from between my teeth where it was stuck since God knows when.

Cosima's other hand finds my cheek and I jump with the softness of her warm fingertips. For some reason it makes me snap out of it and I hold her left wrist, removing her comforting touch away from my face. "I want you to stop!" I say this looking at her eyes, so she understands the seriousness of my statement, but it doesn't sound nearly as decisive as I want, because my voice is barely audible.

Even so she gets away, taking several steps back, her stare piercing the ground. "Fine!" Cosima says flatly.

As soon as she puts some distance between us I take the opportunity to make a run for the door, too afraid that my resolution will crumble. I open the door and cross it fast, closing it behind me, not waiting for Cosima to leave as well. Somehow I manage to find my way to the dinner hall, following the sound of the restaurant's patrons. I miss her touch, the place where her hand was still burning hot. I ignore it. I want desperately pretend that it isn't there, that everything is normal.

When I get close to our table I'm shaking my head vigorously, convincing myself that it was the right thing to do. I don't want nothing with her, I have a boyfriend and am happy with him. Sure, he's far from perfect, he has his little things - I've known that for a while - but we're happy!

I sit in silence, still lost in my thoughts. When I finally raise my head I notice that our two other companions are looking at me, no doubt waiting for an explanation of why I returned alone. "Cosima will be right back, she... Err... She had to go to the bathroom!" I say.

"Oh, okay!" Albert says, handing me the list of deserts, unaware of the vortex in my mind. "We were thinking about order the deserts, what do you say, Del?"

"Sure!" I accept the list and look at Jen, who's staring back at me, a shadow behind her deep dark eyes. I have no idea what she's thinking, but I'm convinced she did not believe my version of the events.

Cosima's approaching our table and sits. "Sorry! Bathroom!" She simply says with a smile, but not her usual cocky grin. "So... Desert?" She looks at the little book in my hands. "You should try the petit_ goutou._ It's awesome!"

"You mean petit gâteau." I say correcting her pronunciation. I do it without thinking, too used to do it every time an American butchers my mother language.

She rolls her eyes and scoffs. "Whatever franchie! It comes with vanilla ice cream!"

I can't believe that even after all that's happened Cosima still has the unique ability to make me laugh unexpectedly. "Okay, I'll have the petit gâteau with the vanilla ice cream!" I say, deliberately stressing the French words.

Her smile turns into something a little more honest and I'm glad that, despite everything, Cosima is doing me the favor of put her weapons down. The rest of the dinner is spent with light conversation and the brunette doesn't make any other attempt at attacking my boyfriend. I'm having a good time, even if now and then I feel a little squeeze in my chest, every time I get a glance of Cosima discreetly touching Jen's arm or when Jen gives Cosima a playful shove every time Cosima is being.. well, Cosima.

At the end of the meal we leave the restaurant and say our goodbyes. I feel like, maybe after I've had an honest talk with Cosima, we can even became friends, perhaps not right away, but in a near future. When all this is behind us, we can move on. I think I will be happy with that, after all we have something in common: we share the same passion for science and that's not easy for me to find, someone who understands me, who's willing to fight for what they think is right. And, if nothing else, Cosima definitely has that, maybe even a little too much.

But all those thoughts fly out of my head when she says goodbye with a "It was nice to meet you!" and walks away, without looking back. Her hand on Jen's lower back and her thumb lazily tracing circles on the soft fabric of the dress.


	8. Take a Breather

"Merde!" I say, closing the lid of my laptop angrily, only to reopen it to make sure that I haven't broken anything, breathing relieved after see that nothing was damaged.

Olivia's sit on the couch, staring shocked at me. Apparently I've distracted her from the TV show she was watching, but she doesn't say anything, more than aware that when I'm like this is better to leave me alone.

However, lately my mood has been unmanageable more than usual. My thesis is stalled, I can't move forward with my work, a severe case of authors block is wrapped around my brain, taking it hostage and preventing me to finish the damn thing. If I knew what the ransom was I would gladly pay it, just to complete it, but negotiations have ceased without a clue of what is due. The worst is that every day that passes brings me closer to the deadline to deliver the paper and every time I look at the calendar my heart jolts, a fear that I will not be able to finish it puts my brain into overdrive. One week; seven days and that's it. In less than 168 hours I better have this thing complete or all that I've worked for the last decade of my life will be for nothing.

I moved to the States right after finishing middle school, taking my high school years away from home, across the Atlantic, or Pacific or both; who cares... Thousands of miles away from home, from everyone I know, to make sure I have the best opportunities available. With the blessing of my parents, both from science, but stuck in teaching careers with no chance of moving up. So when I told them that I wanted to follow their steps, they encouraged on one condition: I was not to teach, investigation was my final destination. I agreed, knowing all too well how hard they fought to keep their jobs, especially after the crises in Europe made the government cut back on education. My parents didn't want that for me, still don't and I agree. The solution was to work hard and made sure I got the eye of some private corporation, away from the public jobs.

The high school years were different from everyone else's, not having the support system that have the parents near provided I was forced to grow up fast, never really distracted by what kids my age did. I was determined to make good, not wanting to let my parents down, not after all the sacrifices they made to be sure I had all I needed to be an exemplary student.

That's not saying that I didn't enjoy some of the distractions America has to offer to the regular high school student, I just never allowed it to be a distraction from my main objective, the main reason of why I'm here. I had a few steady friends throughout those years, but because I did high school in New York, moving here left me away from them, since most of my friends enrolled in universities along the Este coast. However, I was determined to have the best education my parents could provide and at the time Berkley seemed like it was the one with a better program for my intents.

During my stay here I've told my parents that I could get a job, even if only during the summer months, but they wouldn't hear of it, they just wanted me to focus on my education, so, when I was not visiting them, I got a few internships, granting me a nice resume, even before I reached University. I don't regret it, it made my application that much easier.

But now, if I can't get my shit together all that has been for nothing and that just can't happen. So if I'm angry with myself so bad, it's not only because of the fail that not be able to get into the PhD program would pose for me, but also because in the back of my mind there's always the painful possibility of letting down my parents after all they've done.

I get up and go to the kitchen for a glass of water when all I really need is a coffee, but this last couple of weeks I've been avoiding the strong beverage. I just can't drink it without remembering Cosima and her infatuating smile. I've been avoiding everything that reminds me of her. Although that has proven to be a herculean task: she has infiltrated my life in ways that no one should be allowed to. To the point that even check out a book or talk with Mrs. Cross at the library brings back memories of her. But I will not quit, not until all of her is drained out of my system.

It has been more than two weeks since that awful dinner and to her benefit, Cosima has kept her word: never again did she direct a word to me. We cross paths in the halls and although our eyes meet for longer than it should, Cosima ignores me. And when, at the rare occasions she's at the library when I happen to arrive, she's fast to leave the big room, with an uncharacteristic smile at the librarian.

It's weird though, before I never even knew she was walking the same halls I was, going to the same places, but now I see her everywhere. She's like a ghost, hunting me, remembering me of the decision I made. It was a conscious decision and I don't regret it. But I wish things had turned out differently, that, somehow, we could still maintain some sort of contact. But maybe I'm just being selfish: if a friendship was never on her mind, than there was no moving away from that.

I return to the leaving room, decided to get the thesis done in the next couple of days. Fortunately I managed to get most of it complete before now, but there are some rough edges the still need to be soften and that requires a lot of concentration that's been escaping me.

"You should take a pause, it might help." Olivia says, trying to help.

"I can't make a pause. If I do, I'll never get this done with." I answer, turning on the chair to look straight at her.

"You're not getting it done anyway, may as well get some rest."

"Olivia, I know you mean well, but I don't work like you do." I reach for my cigarettes and lighter that are next to my computer. "I can't just spend the day watching crap TV and expect things to fall in my lap." I light up, looking at my roommate.

She makes an ugly face. "God, I hope that PMS ends soon, it has been two weeks, you know. Shouldn't it be over by now?"

"What do you mean?"

"You've been irascible these last few weeks... Is everything alright with you and Al?"

"We're good!" I turn around on my chair again and return my attention to the screen in front of me.

"Are you sure? It's just that every time you get like this is because he's done something very stupid." She laughs a little. "And I say _very_ because if it was just stupid you would be pissed all the time."

I get up fast, the chair almost falling to the ground with the abruptness of my movement. "You need to stop that! Why the hell does everyone has a problem with my boyfriend? He might not be a free spirit like you, but he makes me happy and I've been with him long enough for you to understand that we're in for the long run!" I speak fast and angrily.

"Who's everyone?" Olivia asks, not backing down from her words.

I stop suddenly, realizing what has left my lips. Olivia is still unaware I saw Cosima, besides our occasional brushes in the halls, but that was to be expected. However, the knowledge that I saw her off campus is yet escaping her and I pretend to keep it that way. My roommate doesn't need to know that, particularly now that I have no intention to keep contact with Cosima, nor does she wants to keep in touch with me... apparently. "Oh well... You know..." I say, trying to get it off her mind.

"No, I don't!" She gets up as well. "But you know what? It doesn't matter, I'm not surprised there are more people who share my... Reserves about Albert. You deserve better, Delphine. I can't understand, for the life of me, what you see in him."

"It's not your place to understand..." I give her look that means I want this conversation over.

But, even though by now she knows what that look means, she's not backing down. "Is it the money? Have grown too used to that lifestyle?"

And now I'm glaring at her. "I thought you knew me better than that!" I say low before crossing the door to my bedroom and slam the door shut with all the strength I have.

I don't remember ever being so mad at Olivia, not even in the first months we were living together, when we were starting to get to know each other and every little thing she did got on my nerves. I was not used to share my private space with anyone else, perhaps the bad habits of an only child, but there was something about having little privacy that never sat well with me. It still doesn't, but Olivia's different, she gets me; or I thought she did. Until now!

Even to hint that I'm with Albert because of the status I could achieve with that is too far a reach, even for my best friend. And now I realize that maybe he is right. Maybe I should move in with him and leave Olivia to deal with the rent on her own. I feel like our friendship has run its course, especially now when it seems that Olivia has lost her respect for me.

There's a soft knock on the door half an hour later, but I still don't think I'm ready to deal with her, but as always Olivia does not wait for my permission to open it. That was one of the little things that got to me at first. And, although she never did it when I have company, no matter how many times I told her not to, my roommate still does it.

Her head is peering through the door, obviously afraid I'll tell her to go away and I should, but I don't. For the years and tribulations our friendship has survived, I will allow her another chance. "I'm sorry about that. I overstepped." She says and I notice she has in place the best puppy eyes she can muster.

"I know Albert is less than nice to you. I' m not blind... or deaf." When Olivia realizes that I'm not going to throw something at her, she ventures her way in. "But he's different with me, he treats me well and respects me - he cares - and that's not easy to come by, you know!"

"You should've just said that." My roommate smiles a little.

"I don't see the need." I explain. "I shouldn't need to tell you that for you not to think that I'm with him for his money."

"I know that, I'm sorry." She sits on my bed, next to me. "But if it's not because of Albert, than why are you like this lately?"

"Like what?" I asked, looking at her. Olivia gives me one of those looks, expressing that I know exactly what she's talking about. I breathe out deeply. "I don't know! I mean... I know I've been hard to deal with lately, but I just feel... anxious, you know? I think it's the deadline for the paper approaching... Maybe..."

"Well, if you are going to keep being like this until then, I think I want you out of here." She laughs, I know she's joking.

"Actually, if that's the reason, I'll most likely become worse." I share her joke.

"Oh, great!" Her hands fly through the air and her body follows, until she's on her feet again. "If that's the case, we should get out today. Just the two of us, getting drunk."

"Olivia, you know I can't." I start to protest. "The paper..."

"Will be here tomorrow for you to finish it." She interrupts me, knowing fully well I'm preparing my excuse. "All work and no fun makes a Delphine very grump."

She laughs at her own joke and I can't help but join in. "Alright, fine!" I say getting up. It's Friday night after all. A little break won't hurt.

We decide to go for dinner first, a meal full of greasy goodies, before we go to one of her favorite clubs. Every time we go out is Olivia that handles the itinerary, she knows the night life way better than me, so I let her guide me. This is her specialty, not mine. The bar is one of the many gay friendly places around campus. According to her is "a gay bar without the vibe of a gay bar", whatever that means. I've been there a few times with her and enjoy the place quite a lot. It's a nice break from being shushing guys all night and even if I'm approached by a braver girl, they usually tend to accept rejection in a much more polite way than men.

I don't know if my roommate has in mind pick someone up, but if she does I'm not about to complain. I know it's her way of dealing with tension. I just hope she's sensible about things and let's me know if she's leaving with someone. Although, she usually does, over the years we've assembled a system: if she's on her way out she'll text me and I'll get in a cab about fifteen minutes later to give her time to go to her room if I go home. Or I can just go to Albert's, in which case I'll text her so she won't get worried.

When we arrive the place is half-full and I know that, while the night progresses, it won't get much more filled, is actually one of the things I most like about this bar, it will never become too crowded in a way that you can't move without stepping on someone's feet. Also the music is loud enough for you to dance if you want, but if your cup of tea is to just seat back and relax with a drink between your hands, you can do it in one of the several tables that surround the dance floor, because the volume of the music will allow you to have a half-decent conversation without shouting.

Olivia and I decide to start the night slowly and go to one of the tables after getting us a drink, which she picked. I'm not sure what is but is sweet with a taste of lemon in the end. We talk about foolish things, but I notice that she's not fully paying attention to our conversation, she's scanning the room, looking for the next victim, as Albert would put it. I don't mind, she deserves a little fun after all that's happened to her.

Until suddenly her eyes drop to her drink and she mouths a _fuck_, between a clenched jaw. I look in the direction her eyes were previously and see Cosima dancing with a large group composed of girls and boys. I really am not surprised, it is expected. And, even if is hard for me to admit it, when Olivia suggested we come here, a small part of me was hoping to cross paths with the petit brunette again.

Because I know Cosima is unaware of my staring, I allow my eyes free rein to look. It is conscious, I know what I'm doing and do nothing to stop it. Honestly, I'm curious to see how does she behave around other people, how different she is when there's not second intents to her actions. Most of all I want to know if Cosima's smile is the same, if her body language changes, somehow, around other people or if it's always like how she's around me: deliberate, with an inimitable confidence.

Soon I'm mimicking my roommate's position, staring at my glass. For some stupid reason I really thought Cosima reserved her cocky grin to me, her playful body leans were only directed my way, to try to get closer to me in the least conspicuous way. But no, it looks like she's always like that, with everyone. It's silly, really! What did I expect? That I was special? No, and I knew it, I damn knew she was like that, I've even told her to her face many times, but that doesn't stop my heart from drop.

"Fuck her!" I say to my sulking companion. "Let's go get another drink." I'm already getting up.

Olivia's head moved up to meet my eyes and she opens a fake smile. "Yeah, you're right." She gets up as well and follows me to the counter. "So, what do you want?" She asks as soon as we reach it.

"I think I'll have another one of whatever that was." I point to the table we left, already getting occupied by other people.

"Are you sure? They're pretty strong." Olivia cocks her brow.

"Oh, here I was thinking my mother was in another continent..." I tease.

My friend laughs and orders us the drinks without any more hesitation. With both our drinks in hand we turn to face the dance floor, but I don't think she's in the mood to dance and nor am I. So we stay there, our backs leaning on the counter, occasionally taking small sips on our drinks.

My body tenses, like it felt her coming before my eyes actually see her. And even when I do see Cosima, standing next to me, I force my head not to turn to the side, obsessed with the idea of not acknowledge her, I'll just pretend she isn't there. Cosima does the same, the only thing she does is order a drink. When she gets the drink from the counter her elbow brushes my arm and it's like electricity cursing through my veins, fast reaching every inch of my body. But I remain unmoved or better yet, I turn my head to Olivia, who's on my other side. I'm prepared to tell her we should find another place.

"You are so fucking cute." The unknown voice is on my right, the same side Cosima is. And there's really nothing I can do than to turn my head that way.

The girl who approached Cosima is tall, about the same height I am, she has long wavy hair, dark almost black and she's wearing a red dress that clings tight to her body, leaving little to the imagination about her full chest and curvy hips. She's tugging Cosima's shirt, her fingers loosely pushing the fabric. Next I look at Cosima, who remains relaxing leaning on the balcony and it's obvious she's giving a glance over the girl, just like I was a few seconds earlier.

After she licks discreetly her lips, Cosima grins and says. "Finally, someone who doesn't think I'm a cutthroat bitch!"

I know it's for my benefit or maybe I'm wrong, maybe it's for Olivia, who's also staring. And I wish I thought that of her, I really wish I was able to think that of Cosima, it would make things so much easier. But I just can't, I can't force myself to see her like that, I don't know why, but something inside tells me there's something in Cosima that she hides from everyone. There were little moments in the few occasions we were together that gave her away, that showed me there's a different side to her, one that's not so playful, more insightful. Or perhaps I'm just lying to myself, seeing things where there aren't any, trying to fool myself into thinking there's more in common between Cosima and I than just an unreasonable passion for science.

However my tongue is lubricated, my brain half-drowned in alcohol and I'm mad at the her. For what I know she has done before, with the dinner and to Olivia and for not allowing me to get pass her, to get over what happened, even though that's not her fault, really, but in my inebriated state, everything is her doing. But, most of all, I'm pissed at her for keeping away from me that little side of her that she has worked so hard to keep hidden, even if it's not real, if it never existed.

So I say loud enough for the two women at my side to hear it. "Give it time!"

The stranger stares at me and then to Cosima, whose eyes turned to me the instant she heard my voice. "I'm sorry." The tall girl says. "I... I didn't know you were…" She seems a little lost.

"We're not!" Cosima explains the girl, but her eyes are on me with a strange glare.

"Yeah... I'm gonna go..." The stranger is fast to assume she walked into something confusing and walks away.

"That's so not cool." Cosima says watching the other girl leave.

"Oh… I'm sorry..." I fake a regret expression. "Did I get in the way of something?"

"Whatever..." She ignores me again, but doesn't leave my side. Instead she pops her head a little to the front, finding my roommate's stare. "Hi, there Olivia. How are you?"

"Fine!" Olivia answers fast.

"Listen, I meant to call you and all… You know… What I did was really…You know…" Cosima is trying, I'll give her that; but she's also failing miserably.

"Then why didn't you?" I'm hearing their exchange in silence, taking big gulps from my drink.

Cosima looks at me for support, which I obviously won't give. "Well…" Her right hand goes to the back of her neck and she uncomfortably massages it, with a nervous smile on her lips. "I kind of forgot…"

Now I turn my head to Olivia, finishing my drink as I notice her eyes flare with anger. "You've fucking forgot to call?! Like, seriously!?" Her voice is loud and I know we're in for a world of trouble.

"Yeah… I've been distracted, working on my PhD application and shit…" Cosima says, also noticing that she walking on very thin ice. She has taken a step back and is only then I realize our arms were in contact all the time because there's a coldness just below my elbow where there was a very comfortable warmth before. "It's kind of distracting, you know?"

"Oh, I'm sorry… I didn't realize you're working so hard on your paper, it's kind of difficult to notice with all the music and dim light in this _club_." The last word comes out rancorous.

The smaller girl stares at me again, looking for help to defuse the bomb in which Olivia's transformed. I don't know if I should help her; I don't know if I want to help her; I don't know if I can help her. All I know now is that my glass is empty and my throat is dry.

I turn to the bartender who seems to have been paying attention to us, because she has a very concerned expression. "Can I have une autre of this, s'il vous plaît?"


	9. Lost in Translation part I

**A/N: First of all sorry for taking so long, but I've settling in in my new place. On the good side no more waking up at dawn and now will have much more time to write.**

**Secondly, and I know this will sound like venting, but I have to say it: Delphine is not the moral compass in this story, nor is Cosima for that matter. In fact, I know there will be times when you're not going to particularly like either of them. I guess that's my point: nobody is perfect. It would be much easier for me to write how absolutely gorgeous Delphine is or how adorkable Cosima steals our hearts. But I won't, there's plenty of that out there and I thought I could try something different. I don't know maybe is my fault for promising something soft in the 1st chapter, but apparently I can't write pure fluff.**

**Sorry about the extra-long A/N, but here is an extra-long chapter.**

The strong smell of coffee reaches my nostrils, alerting my senses. I try to open my eyes, but the room is filed with light, blinding me. My right hand goes to my eyes and I rub them in an attempt to force them to do their job

When I finally am able to open them, I'm faced with Cosima's illuminating smile. She standing by the bed where I'm laid, a mug in one hand and a small bottle in the other.

"Good afternoon sleepy head!" Her voice is calm and steady.

I sit up straight abruptly, scanning the unfamiliar place. The light comes from the big window behind the bed. It's an open space, no doors separating the divisions, at least as far as I can see. However, I know that we're in a second level of a big space, there are stairwells which lead to what I assume is the ground floor. A little further than the foot of the bed is some sort of balcony, translucent glass or plastic. The ceiling is high and for some reason it reminds me of a warehouse.

I look at her again and she's staring at me with a gentle smile. "How bad are you feeling?" There's just a hint of concern in her voice.

"I'm not sure..." My voice is throaty, I clear it. "What happened?" I have to ask, all my memories are blurry.

She chuckles. "You don't remember?" I shake my head and her laughter increases. "Maybe it's better that way."

"Oh god!" I stare down at myself. I'm still dressed, with the exception of my feet, my legs are tangled in the sheets in an awkward position, the soft fabric of my trousers is all wrinkled. "Was it that bad?"

Cosima extends me the mug and I take it gladly. "Not too bad... Really..." She says, but I don't believe her, there's something in her cunning smile that leads me to believe she's hiding a lot. I take a sip of the coffee and am instantly more alerted, I don't know if is the several days without the caffeine or the realization that I missed her coffee so much. Next she hands me the bottle she's holding. "Aspirin, you'll thank me later."

After taking two tablets to my mouth and washed them down with some more coffee, I think is time to probe some more about my behavior last night. "Seriously Cosima, how bad?"

"Nah... You behaved like a proper lady!" She answers me amused and starts to move to the stairs. I try to get up, but as soon as I stand my head feels dizzy and I curse under my breath, seating clumsily on the bed again. She looks back. "It's okay, take your time. I'm gonna get something for you to eat."

"I don't think I can get anything down." I call after her.

"You need to eat!" Cosima tells me from the lower level. "If you need to use the bathroom, it's on your right."

I look that way and there's indeed a closed white door. All her walls are white, no wonder I missed it in my less than recommend state. I manage to get up and walk there, observing every detail I can: the white rules the house and with the big windows that cover the left side of house, it makes for a very bright space. I'm surprised, Cosima dresses colorfully, her body is usually covered with vibrant colors, I didn't expect her to live among minimalist architecture.

The bathroom is also bright due to another large window next to the bathtub, which is big and allows to shower or bath. I avoid the mirror, if I'm going to be ignorant about last night, I also don't want to know how I look today. I run my fingers blindly through my hair and hope is half decent before leave the bathroom.

I make my way downstairs and notice Cosima is in the kitchen area, in the far end of the big room, working something on the stove, her back turned to me. In the middle of the space there's a big couch with some sheets, a blanket and a pillow on it. She slept there and I'm starting to feel guilty about it. The bedroom area forms a balcony that takes half the top of the living room, supported by two large pillars on each end. The back wall is filled with bookcases filled to the top, some books are stacked on the floor around it, there's no more room for them in the shelves.

"Care to at least tell me how end up here?" I ask, getting close to her and looking to what she's doing. It seems Cosima is working on pancakes.

She turns her head to me. "Wow... You really don't remember anything, do you?" I shake my head once more. "Okay, how far do you recall?" Her hands leave the pan and go up, in an attempt to get me to focus, because my eyes can't stay still. It's too much for me to absorb, I'm astonished by what I see around me. Her place is nothing like I expected; I was hoping to see a, somewhat, disorganized place, but no, apart from her desk and the bookshelves near by, everything seems to have its place. I start to believe that's where Cosima spends most of her time when she's at home. However, what's still surprises me the most is the color, or the lack of color, better put, even the freaking couch is white, the desk, the table where she's likely to eat her meals is glass. I have the strong feeling the decor was not Cosima's choice.

She catches me staring around, looking at me, still waiting for my answer and I force my brain to focus on one thing at a time.

"I... I remember going to the bar and then talking with you.. Vaguely..." I'm pushing my memory and as I start to recall little bits, I start to feel ashamed. "Some girl approached you and something with Olivia..." It hits me then. "Oh, my God, Olivia!"

"Relax, she's fine!" Cosima assures me. "A lot thanks to you actually."

I try to remember, but I just can't. "Does she know where I am? I'm supposed to text her, so she won't get worried." I start to move around the unfamiliar place, looking for my bag, which I find on top of her large desk that's dominated by a big laptop. I take out my phone and I see there's a text from my roommate: "you can come home now ;)". I raise my brow, not sure what to make of it. The message was sent at 2.26 in the morning, it is now 1.14 in the afternoon.

"This is almost done. Wanna help me here?" I turn to see Cosima stacking pancakes on a plate. I get to the balcony and grab a big plate filled with fresh fruit that's carefully peeled and cut.

We work in silence for some time apart from when I ask where something is and Cosima's telling me their places. Our breakfast/lunch consists of pancakes sided with the fruit and fresh orange juice and even if I didn't think I was hungry, just the smell of it makes my stomach complain about the many hours that passed since my last meal.

"You really aren't going to tell me, are you?" I ask her, eventually.

"Nop..." And the smile that accompanies her answer leaves me more unsettled. "Consider it a blessing. Some things are better left forgotten."

"That does nothing to sooth my mind... " I murmur.

"Does it happen a lot? The memory blanks?"

"Only when I drink way more than I should." I explain and she nods, confirming my suspicions. "Actually the worst part is that I eventually end up remembering things, all that's happened, during the following day."

Cosima bursts into a laugh fit. "Well, that should be fun. Too bad I'm not going to be there to see it."

"You are really enjoying this, aren't you?" There's a smile in my face, although I really should be worried about why she finds it so funny, but I can't help it. From the beginning her laugh has had a weird contagious effect on me.

"Wayyyy more than I should, considering everything..." She says weirdly. "But I'll give you one clue: it's not the first time I see you so confused. Wait! Maybe confused is not the right word. Is more like..." Her sentence lingers while her hands hang in the air, waiting for the right words to come to her mind, so they can continue the erratic movements they always make when she's talking.

"Cosima!" I half-shout, exasperated with the way she keeps teasing me with her knowledge of my actions last night.

Her face goes serious, until she snorts, then giggles, not able to contain herself and Cosima doesn't stop until she's cleaning tears of laughter from her eyes behind her glasses. "Oh, you'll see, if you remember, you'll see..."

I give up trying to extract more information from her, I've got the feeling it's useless and Cosima will only use it to take a ruse at me. So I settle with finish my meal and think about going home. I still haven't replied Olivia and, even if she was entertained last night, it's now almost the middle of the afternoon and she'll start to get worried.

Cosima walks me out, after offering to call me a cab since I really have no idea where in the city I am. I take the offer, a little surprised that she won't offer me a ride, at least until I realize that I don't know if she drives or if she has a car. The sun hits my face with a ferocity I'm not expecting and I have to squeeze my eyes shut before I'm able to get a glimpse of my surroundings. Cosima stays at the door leaning on its frame and I can feel her eyes on me as I scan the area. Her place is indeed a warehouse that clearly has been adjusted for living quarters, in a street that ends on a dead-end, near the harbor, far from campus. In fact I have actually no idea where in the city this is, only that is far from where I live due to its proximity to the harbor.

I refocus my attention to the small girl standing by the door, there's a half-smile on her lips. "Interesting setting you've got here." She hums at my remark but makes no comment. We fall into an awkward silence, staring at each other. Even though there's so much I want to ask her, the only thing I can say is. "I want to thank you for.. Hmm.. Taking care of me."

"No problem." She mumbles. And we are quiet again until we hear a car's engine getting closer to where we are and soon see the distinguish bright yellow of the taxi.

I enter the vehicle waving weirdly to my forced host and give my address to the driver.

_"Can I have une autre of this, s'il vous plait?" I ask the bartender, who has to shift her eyes from my two companions to give me some attention. _

_"Are you sure, hun? You've had plenty." The short blonde haired woman asks me. _

_"Oh, oui. Totalement, I'm fine." I answer a little annoyed that she's letting my glass stay empty for longer then I want. _

_"Okay..." She starts to move around, preparing my drink. "There you go, but it's the last one I'll serve you." She places the drink in front of me and I eagerly take it in both my hands. _

_"Thanks! You're a sweetheart!" But I'm already turning in my heals to face both women glaring at each other. "Girls... C'mon, this is totally unnecessary, can't we just all get along." _

_"There's nothing I want more..." Cosima stares at me, then her eyes drop to my glass and she points at it. "What are you drinking?" _

_"I'm not sure, but it's very good." I reply, looking at my own hands holding the glass. "Why? Do you want some?" I say after contemplating the option for a little longer than it was really necessary and extend her my drink. _

_Cosima takes it, careful not to touch my fingers and raises it to her face, but doesn't drink, instead she gives it a quick sniff. "Wow... This is really strong, are you sure you need another?" _

_She holds the drink hostage, even as my hand extends for her to give it to me. "Why is everybody suddenly so worried about what I drink or how much I drink. I'm a grown woman!" And I know my voice is a little louder than needed, but I can't help it. _

_However it seems to have the ability to distract Olivia from her attack at Cosima. "Del, you've clearly had more than you can handle." _

_"Annnndddd... So have you with Ms. Dreads here!" I point at my back where Cosima is. "Listen, je comprendre, she's hot and can be very sweet, but I have the... feeling Cosima has moved on..." I turn and give a wink at the small girl who's looking at me with a mix of shock and amusement, perhaps just a hint of fear. I have no clue as to if my roommate as seen or not my gesture. "Call it a sixth sense..." I think, for no obvious reason, I should complete it. _

_"Is that so?" Olivia says, half joking, half hurt. Or at least that's how I read it. _

_"Bien sur... Okay..." I start looking around us, staring longer than is socially accepted when I think a particular girl can strike the... heart of my roommate. Finally my eyes lock on a girl with short, dark hair at the opposite end of the counter. She has several piercings on her face and has that kind of pleasant grin one associates with an easy-going personality. "Come with me!" I grab my roommate's arm without waiting for her reply. _

_She doesn't protest and let's me drag her between the patrons who are near the bar. On the way I know I shove more people than is required, but I just don't seem to care when they turn to say a harsher word. I'm on a mission to get my best friend laid! We reach the girl I made a target of and tap on her shoulder, not caring if she's talking with someone else. _

_"Yes!" The stranger asks, turning and showing a confused face. _

_"Allo! Je suis Delphine, this here is Olivia!" I raise my hand, which has a vice like grip on my friend's wrist. "She thinks you are très jolie!" _

_"Del!?" Olivia starts to protest. Than she turns to our new _friend_. "I'm sorry, my friend has had a few too many." She says in an apology effort. _

_The girl giggles a little. "Totally fine! I get it!" _

_"Okay, now that we got the pleasantries out of the way, you two can talk..." I say, already taking my leave. _

There's someone shaking my shoulder and a voice in the distance. "Ms... ms...? We're here?"

I open my eyes and scan my surroundings, waking up for the second time in the space of few hours disoriented. But then I recognize my building and my brain restarts turning, reminding me I'm in a cab. "Oh... Sorry..." I quickly pay the ride and get out of the taxi, walking to my building's door. I fumble for the keys in my purse, praying that I didn't lose them last night. But no, they're inside my bag and I can't wait to get in the apartment and have a reinvigorating shower.

I get my wishes granted because no one is home. Actually Olivia doesn't arrive until two hours after me, when I'm totally engrossed in my thesis.

"So? Found your muse?" I jump when I hear her voice behind me. I didn't even realize she had arrived.

"What?" I say startled.

She points at my laptop. "You seemed to be pretty concentrated in it." She explains. "Are you moving forward with it?"

I return my eyes to the screen. "Yes... Almost there. And, apart from the awful pounding in my head, everything is going fast."

"So... Last night? How much do you remember?" Olivia is obviously more than aware of my little... issue.

"Not much... So far I remember pimp you up to some girl! I'm sorry about that..."

She laughs with pleasure. "No problem... Sylvia's pretty awesome!"

I cock my brow. "You came home with her, then?"

Olivia is walking to her room. "Yep! You've got good eye. I should bring you with me more often." After a while she returns to the living room already in her sweatpants and a large t-shirt. "You don't have to answer if you don't want." She starts a little afraid, seating next to me on the couch. "But where did you spend last night?"

I do think about lying, but I chose not to, for two very good reasons: one, I have no idea what would I tell her instead of the truth; and two, my best friend doesn't deserve it anymore, the lies. "Cosima's. I think she took me home. But I'm not sure, it's still a little fuzzy."

The expression on Olivia's face is a serious one and I start to entertain ideas of what she might ask, but nothing prepares me for what is actually on her mind. "How is it? The house? I've never been... Nor has anyone that I know, for that matter."

I recover a little. "You're joking..."

"Nop... Cosima's very open about a lot of stuff, however her house is not among them."

I remember the place and the feeling I had that, somehow, it was not her choice to be there or better, to have a place like that. "It's nice, big, kind of weird, though..." I fight to find the right words. "I mean... It doesn't really seem to match her taste, but I don't know her that well, so..."

My friend's eyes don't leave me and I start to feel uncomfortable. "Nothing happened... Between Cosima and I." I figure I should explain.

"I know, Del. Don't worry!" She starts to get up. "How 'bout I cook us dinner tonight. You just keep working. Don't want to scare the muse away..." And I see her enter our kitchen.

I'm relief with her words and am glad there's no more bitterness to deal with. And I should. Nothing happened. Nothing will. For all I know, I might never talk with Cosima again. Then why do I feel like there's a strong fist squeezing my heart?

Once again I'm forced to ignore the constant state of restless that my mind is under and decide to follow my roommate's advice. Keep working.

_I leave the two (hopefully) new lovebirds to deal with their issues and walk back to where I was before, remembering that Cosima's still holding hostage my drink. I look that way and she's staring back, an amused smile on her lips and a raised brow. _

_"Merci, for guarding my drink." I snatch the glass from her hands, before she has time to act on it. _

_"Delphine, I really don't think you should drink more." Her hands move to take the drink away from me, but in my drunken state I'm still able to move faster than her._

_I take a big gulp with a daring expression directed her way. "How come you never call me Del? Everybody does. Do you think you need my approval for that?" _

_"I don't want to!"_

_"Why?"_

_She looks down for some time, before she answers. "I like your name, don't see the need to change it!" It feels like a confession the way she says it. _

_Something turns in my stomach and I don't know if it's due to the drink or if it's the seriousness of her expression, even if she shrugs, like she gives it little importance. But I know better, or I think I know... I'm not really sure. _

_"Bien... I like your name too... C'est très unique... Cosima... Co-si-ma... Co... si... ma..." And suddenly it's like I'm in a trance, my brain's in a loop with those three syllables. _

_The owner of the name on repeat on my lips starts to laugh deeply. "Okay... Okay... Stop! You're starting to freak me out!" _

_"Oh, desolé... Mais c'est vrai... Unique, like you..."_

_"Right! If there was any doubt in my mind that you're incredibly drunk, their extinguished now." Cosima's blushing, she's trying to play it cool, but her physical response is betraying her. _

_"I'm sorry, that was inappropriate!" What is left of my sober state manages to get a hold on my brain. _

_"No, no... Totally fine!" Cosima waves her hands dismissing my remark and her eyes wonder. "Looks like you did a good deed for your friend." She points at the opposite side of the counter. _

_I look the way her hand indicates and see Olivia shamelessly making out with the girl I introduced her to. "Good for her! No one should be waiting for someone who doesn't want them back!" _

"Del? Are you sleeping with your eyes open again?" Olivia's voice brings me back to the present.

"Oh, damn... Sorry... Flashback... " I excuse myself.

"Quite alright. Dinner's ready." I get up and follow her to the table. "So what did you remember now?"

Fortunately my roommate decided to keep it simple with a salad. "You shoving your tongue down the throat of the hot girl with the piercings... I think you own me big time..." I take a fork of lettuce to my mouth.

"Yes, I do! And I would happily repay in the same manner if you only let me..." She stops abruptly. "I'm sorry..."

"What for?" I'm confused.

"Hmm... Last night I made a promise to myself to take it easy on Albert. I figured it will be better to stop give him so much ammo to throw my way." She explains. "And the fact that will be easier on you doesn't hurt."

"You don't have to do that, Olivia... I know he gives you a hard time, you've got the right to respond." It's a weird thing to say and the doubtful face my friend makes it's only confirmation of it. "Besides, I've grown so used to the two of you fighting... It's like your both my kids that have to fight all the time."

"You're sure about that?" I nod and she takes a deep breath. "Okay... In that case... Don't you think is... awkward you think of your boyfriend as your kid?"

I burst into laughs. "I guess... But... Don't you think is weird I think of you as my kid as well?"

Olivia laughs as well and the rest of the meal is stupidly spent on us imagining scenarios where that would become possible. We decide that I would eventually ask for the divorce, move back to France and abandon Olivia and Albert at the cares of their father. Let him deal with the two fucking brats.

After dinner Olivia is kind enough to deal with the dishes alone while I return to work. But even as she's moving back and forth between the two rooms she's mumbling "unfit parent", under her breath.

_"My feet are turning into a pulp." I comment, restraining the urge to take my shoes right then and there. _

_Cosima's attention returns to me after she's been quiet for some time, since what I said last. Looks down at my feet and the uncomfortable shoes they've been the entire night. "No wonder..." She then looks around the room. "C'mon. I see an empty table, let's go quick before someone takes it." _

_I let her drag me across the bar, much like I've done to Olivia not that long ago. Her hand is holding mine firmly, she's sweating a little or maybe it's me. We reach the table just in time, because there's four people who approach the place looking to rest their tired feet right after us. _

_We plop ourselves in the couch, Cosima sits next to me, leaving the two chairs empty. I look at her, waiting for an explanation. "What?! There's no way I'm going to sit my ass in those uncomfortable chairs when there's plenty of room for me in here." _

_It is a really good reason, especially for one who's suffering from squashed toes at the time. I reach my feet, meaning to take of my shoes. But she stops me, holding my wrist. "Don't do that. It will be much worse once you need to put them back on." _

_Obviously I'm more than aware of that, but don't know why I didn't think of it. Or better, I know: my inebriated state is just preventing me to act on my knowledge. "You don't have to do this, you know. You don't have to take care of me. Especially after the way I treated you." _

_"You think I'm going to leave you on your own the way you are?" Her eyes are on the floor and she's speaking so low that I find it hard to understand her, but I do. "Despite of what you might think of me, it's not my style to leave someone, anyone, hanging like that. Either I know them or not!" There's pain in her tone and the guilt she seems to inspire on me resurfaces. _

_"I don't think that of you, Cosima. Never have." She looks at me and she's serious, very serious. "C'est seulement que... I don't know how to deal with you. You are so... Alive and... Je ne sais... Confiant... I'm not used to this... To this unabashed attention..." _

_She remains quiet for a little longer, but her eyes leave my face. They travel the room instead, not really laying on anything. When she speaks again, her voice is slightly louder. "I find it surprising that you don't get this type of attention. Someone like you... Well..." _

_I extend my right hand to the table, looking for my drink but it's not there. I think I've abandoned it at the bar. "Okay... It's not that I'm not used to... But I usually know what to do with it... Mais toi attention..." I stop, and that should be permanent. I should stop now before I get myself in a dangerous situation, but I can't. "The other night you we're so sure I feel it... And I do... I feel it... Mais tu es une fille et je ne..." _

_"This conversation would be a lot more enlightening if you could hold it in English..." I look at her confused. "Don't get me wrong... French... Very sexy... But I don't speak it."_

_I lean over and kiss her, not because I can't hold myself, but because I need to know. I need to know if by kissing her I feel the same way I do when she touches me or even when she gives me one of those smiles that I foolishly thought were reserved to me and me alone. It doesn't! _

_It feels one hundred times better, one thousand times better, one million times better... Her lips are soft and full and even as I clearly caught her off-guard I can tell there's an addictive skill in them, a poison that will kill me not because I would have too much, but because I could never have enough. _

_I start to feel light-headed and I know it has nothing to do with the amount of alcohol in my system. It's her. It's Cosima's taste! It's Cosima's soft hands on both my cheeks! It's her thumbs lightly brushing against my skin! It's her smell! _

_But as soon as it began it ends. She's pushing me back. "Wow... Okay... I really think we should stop." Her voice is husky and she's still so close that I can feel her breath gliding against my lips. _

_"What? Porquoi?" I can't keep the disappointment off my voice. _

_"You are obviously in no condition to make an educated decision." _

"Merde!" I say loud, startling my roommate, whose head was resting on my shoulder, casually drifting to sleep while the TV is on, playing something that none of us has been paying attention to.

As I get up, Olivia is staring at me confused. "What happened?"

"I don't know." I throw back on my way to the bedroom, from where I emerge with running shoes on my feet.

"Where are you going at this hour?" The confusion on my roommate's face only seems to grow.

"I'll talk with you later!" And I'm out the door.


	10. Lost in Translation part II

As I cross the door of my building and out to the street, I froze. I don't know exactly what drove me to do that, to leave without hesitation as the memories return to me, like water tides crushing against my mind, each more disturbing than the last.

I've experienced this before, this "condition". I think I was sixteen the first time, haven't been in the States for long and was invited to a party after some game I really didn't understand. The underaged drinking didn't bother me, after all in my home country I wouldn't be breaking any laws if I stuck with wine or beer. Waiting until your 21 was a ludicrous concept then and, if I'm honest, it still is today. Either way, when you're 16 and drinking for the first time, there's only one way to find your limit: it's by crossing it, of course. And, oh... did I cross it that night.

The next morning I couldn't remember anything after a particular point, I thought it was awful, not knowing what happened. However, it was nothing compared to when the memories started crushing down, each more embarrassing than the one before: there was some making out with some football player, which lead to a fight with his hysterical girlfriend, while every stupid jock cheered around us and, the best (not) part of it all, some very public vomiting.

I remember promising to myself, after that night, I would never drink again. Of course that was not a kept promise. Although, for a really long time I didn't and even when I started to drink again I kept it at one beer a night. The shame and the whispers behind my back far too fresh to allow me to lose control like that again. But, eventually it happened again, I don't know how or why, but it did a handful of times throughout my life.

The previous times the memories consisted of embarrassing moments, when losing control resulted into some sort of public humiliation. This time is different, I lost control, yes, definitely, but it made me vulnerable and the restrain I know I have on, but pay it no mind, every time I'm around Cosima, snapped. And, although I am glad I could keep my integrity intact last night (or at least as far as I can remember), what happened between Cosima and I needs to be fixed. Now!

The early night is cold and I wish I had remembered to bring a coat, the sweatshirt I have on is warm, but not enough. And, even if I'm still at the door of my building, I will not go up to get one more layer of clothing. I know I would be face with questions I'm not ready to answer just yet.

But at least I had the good judgment of bringing my purse and I look for my phone in it, while scanning the street for a cab.

"Could you give me your address?", I text Cosima, hopping she's near the phone to reply fast. My attention is divided between the phone in my hand and the street, but the taxis that pass by me are busy and Cosima won't answer. I push the messages' screen again to send her another text when my phone vibrates. "Why do you need it?"; "We need to talk" My fingers fly on the screen. This time she answers quickly: "can't you call?"

It's just now that I remind myself that is Saturday night, Cosima's most likely not home. In a bar somewhere, perhaps. "No. Where are you? Can I meet you?" The idea of meet her elsewhere is not very appealing, but I'm still determined to talk with her. I'll just wait for her outside of wherever she is.

"I'm at the school's library." Her answer surprises me. The library's not always open, there's a study hall for that, opened 24/7 as long as there are classes. The library is off-limits after 9."The library is closed!" I point out in my next text. It would be weird if Cosima didn't know that and was trying to lie to me for whatever reason, but it's more logical than if she's actually telling me the truth. Yet, her simple answer is: "Not to me! Knock when you get here."

My brows are frowned as I look at her message and I'm sure my face is a mask of confusion. Still, I start to walk in the campus' direction, it's only a 10 minutes' walk away, along busy streets, it would be silly to get a cab now.

_"You're obviously in no condition to make an educated decision." She tells me, but her hands are still in my cheeks, burning hot with her touch. _

_"Mais... I thought you wanted this." I'm still confused. Cosima has been pushing me in since the time we met and now she's pulling back?  
_

_"Not this!" Her hands finally leave my face and she leans further on the couch. "I don't want you drunk, only to wake up tomorrow regretting everything." _

_"What makes you think I would regret it?" I ask, daring. _

_"Well, I would!"_

_"You think I would be that bad?" I'm actually very offended with her implication. _

_She laughs softly and it's like the tension on her face dissipates with my words, drawn out of drunkenness and insecurity. "Actually, yeah... You probably would. But that's not what I meant." Cosima's expression takes a serious note again, but not so intense. "What I mean is... Fuck, Delphine... I want you! You know? The real you, with your snarky remarks, your daring gaze. I want you when you bit your lip or lower your head to hide your blush every time I make you nervous. I even want you when you are pushing me away. I don't want this!" She concludes and her eyes leave my face, where they've been the entire time, not really focusing on any feature. _

_"You want the challenge!" It's not a question, I know exactly what she means. _

_"Yes, I guess you can say that." Cosima agrees, but her eyes don't go to me again, instead they remain piercing the dirty floor under the table. _

_"Tu veux l'impossible!"_

I make my way mechanically to campus, having walked this path more times than I care to count. But when I look up, I notice that I'm actually going to the wrong building, already at the entrance of the one where most of my classes take place. I shake the head to myself and turn on my heals.

Now that I'm so close to meet Cosima again I realize I have no idea what to say to her. It's obvious we need to talk, but how are we going to accomplish that, I don't know. Our intentions are so far away from each other, so distinct. It's like we're two different species; we thrive under different conditions, our habitats are opposite. We don't match!

However, there's something I have to admit: at least Cosima knows what she wants, as... unhealthy as it is, at least she knows. While I have no idea, all I know it's that is not the same.

I enter the building and the security guard doesn't look twice at me, just gives me a smile and nods. Maybe Cosima has warned him of my coming. My steps are slow along the corridors I've grown to know so well, there's no hurry on my pace, unlike my mind, which is racing a thousand miles per second to find a line of conversation to have with Cosima. Perhaps this was not a good idea, perhaps I should've waited at least until tomorrow, to try to get things straight with her. But now I'm here and Cosima's waiting for me. There's no turning back.

I knock on the sturdy wood of the door that leads to my favorite place in the entire campus, but I have the feeling that this time I will not be welcomed with the easiness the big hall usually sets on my mind. There's the sound of footsteps behind the door and when it opens, Cosima presents me with a tentative smile, her head resting on her hand that's holding the door open.

"You've remembered?" Those are the first words to me. I nod affirmatively. "Get in!" She opens the door a little more to make room for me to enter.

The big hall is absolutely vacant of people, which only makes it seem bigger. The ceiling lights that illuminate the library are off. There's only one light on over the main desk, where Mrs. Cross usually is and a work lamp on the closest table, on top of which Cosima has papers and books scattered all over. The rest of the hall's in complete darkness, apart from the bright green lights over the emergency exits.

I look down at the little brunette, whose eyes are also going around the room. "You were studying, I'm sorry for the interruption." The volume of my voice is low, yet in the emptiness we're in, it sounds almost offensively loud.

"It's okay, I needed a break anyway." She's walking in the direction of the table she's occupying. "So have you been having an entertained day?" Cosima asks and I can actually hear the smile on her lips.

"It has been... interesting." I follow her steps.

"I can only imagine... "

"You should have told me what happened." I watch her sit and take the chair in front of her.

"And deprive you of finding out in such an interesting manner? I couldn't do that!" She smiles but it's fake. I might not know her well, but I do know when her smiles are genuine, her eyes sparkle, they become brighter. That's not happening now.

"You were already convinced not to tell me long before you knew about my... special circumstance." I remind her. "I think you didn't want me to find out."

Cosima extends her hand and reaches for a pen, her eyes look down as she spins it between her fingers. "How far do you remember?" She eventually asks me with her eyes still down.

"Far enough to know we need to talk."

"How far?" She insists.

"A little after I kissed you and you pushed away." I tell her. She hums, but doesn't say anything or raises her stare at me. It makes me believe there's more to the story than I know so far and I wonder what could that be. "Thanks, by the way. You were right: I would regret it."

"I know!" Her only words. Cosima's not in the mood to indulge me, she won't help me fill in the blanks. And she's refusing to look at me, it's getting on my nerves, I'm starting to feel like I'm talking to a wall.

"Cosima?" I say low, a soft attempt to get her to look. I wait. In time she does. "Why can't we get along?"

"What do you mean?" She's curious, her eyebrows are high and frowned, her head a little tilted to the side.

"I mean, we obviously have somethings in common. Like this!" I explain, while my hand waves over the several books she has open on the table and the various sheets of paper scribbled by hand. "We could be friends, if only we stop bumping heads."

"What if I don't want to be friends with you?" Cosima says challenging me. "What if I don't want you around if I can't have you?"

It's my eyes that drop now, not able to keep looking at her. One thing is to have this kind of conversation drunk, another totally different is when you're stone cold sober.

What I say next, I say it with a painful squeeze in my heart, but I know I have to say it. With all intent of putting this behind us once and for all, even if it costs knowing Cosima entirely. I have to do it. "You don't want me. You like the idea of me, of having me. But you don't want me, not really. If you did, you would want to know me."

What I see next it's something I never thought I would. There's a quiet anger in Cosima's soft features. Her face doesn't become red, she's not clenching her jaw, for all means, if there was anyone around us, they would have no idea how angry she is. No. All her fury is concentrated in her gaze, there's a fire burning wild behind her glasses. And it's in her voice, when she finally finds it, using it low, with a chilling softness. "Fuck you, Delphine. Don't presume to know what I want or not. Do you think you have me all figured out just because I refuse to have around someone I know I can't have? It's fucking self-preservation not to put myself in that excruciating position.

"You say you want to be my friend, well friends don't do that. They want what's best for each other. And be around you and not be able to touch you the way I want, it's definitely not what's best for me."

As she talks the volume of her voice rises, but just a little, almost undetectable. "What I won't do is sustain your selfishness of want to have me around at your back and call. Because I know that's what would happen. And so do you. You are very aware of the effect you have on me. It's not fucking fair."

When she finishes there's an eerie silence around us. I can't look at her, not now, not after all she said.

I get up and start to walk to the door of a big room that was always kind to me, that has always received me with open arms and a comfortable intimacy, but now I find it cold and foreigner.

I look back once and see her with her head down. I think it's the first time I leave and the bright brown eyes don't follow me. "I _will_ miss you, Cosima." And shut the door behind me.

My strides are fast along the familiar streets. I logically blame it on the cold, my need to get home fast, but know I just want to curl under my soft blankets and leave the rest of the world outside.

Olivia's half asleep on the couch and I turn the TV off and shake her shoulder so she realizes what she's doing. My roommate opens one eye, still not alerted enough to notice how upset I am. Fortunately. Last thing I want is to talk it over.

I go to my bedroom and strip fast, getting under my sheets, covering my head.

_"It's not impossible, Delphine." She says and reaches for my hand, holding it open with the palm up on her own. The fingers of her free hand start to trace nonsensical paths along it. "You just need to learn how to let go of somethings." _

_"Like what?" I watch her fingers move on my hand and shiver every time she applies a little more pressure to her touch. _

_"You need safety, need to know what's coming before it arrives." She explains. "You know I can't provide that, so you keep me away." _

_"You're saying I can't be audacieux?" I cock my brow. "But I just kissed you!" _

_"Because you're drunk! It doesn't count." She points out with a small smile. _

_"I need another drink!" I try to get up fast, but the gravity is too much for me to handle. _

_Cosima snorts. "Yeah, that's exactly what you need." She says sarcastically. Fortunately she doesn't let go of my hand and it helps to keep me balanced. She gets up and extends her other hand. "What you need is to go home." _

_"Hmm... I don't know... Olivia's here somewhere, right?" I look around and see her still by the counter in an animated chat with her new acquaintance. "Oh, there!" I tell Cosima. _

_"Text her, say you're going home." She's moving around my purse until she finds my phone and gives it to me. _

_I take it, but don't like her plan. "I can't, if she takes the girl home I'm not going to be able to sleep. She's too loud..." I trail off, remembering Cosima is probably more aware of that than I am. _

_The girl twitches her nose, but says nothing about it. "Okay, then say you're leaving and for her not to worry." _

_"Okaaayyy... Why?" I look at her suspiciously. _

_"You need to leave. You can stay at my place." She says. I don't know what's my expression like, but somehow it drives her to explain herself. "I'm not trying to be smart, I'm just trying to help." _

_"I know, Cosima." I don't hesitate. "I trust you!" _

_I must have slept during the ride to her place, because when I'm aware of myself again, I'm with my right arm over Cosima's shoulder and being half dragged. My legs somehow working a little bit. _

_"You need to help a little, Delphine." Cosima's voice is close to my ear. _

_I regain some control over my body and try to put some more weight on my legs. "I'm really sorry about all this." Somehow I'm still talking English. _

_"Yeah... Yeah... Can you go up the stairs?"_

_I bend over and feel alarmed hands on my back when Cosima thinks I'm falling. But I just need to get this damn shoes off my feet. She laughs softly after I release a sigh of relief when I free my feet. _

_I'm very unstable, but, with Cosima's help, I manage to reach the top of the stairs. And with a loud groan I throw myself on the bed, bringing Cosima down with me. She giggles a little as I move around to get my head on a pillow. After I'm as settled as I'm going to get, she starts to get up, but I hold her wrist. _

_"Stay here?" It's half a question, half a request. _

_From her seating position she looks down at me, considering it for some time, until she let's herself fall in the bed as well. "You're a handful, Cormier." _

_I laugh a little and shift my body to face her. She's looking at the high ceiling with a calmness that I find uncharacteristic. Her glasses are totally out-of-place on her nose and I raise my hand, removing them. When she looks at me I give them to her. Cosima turns as well and we are face to face. She breaths deeply and I feel her warm breath glide over my face. _

_We're like that for some time, just looking at each other, not saying a word. She looks different without her glasses, like a barrier is down, more tangible somehow. She raises her hand and removes a more stubborn curl that's fallen over my forehead, tugging it behind my ear. _

_"Why do you do it?" I break the comfortable silence. She looks at me confused, as if I'm speaking French to her again. Truth is, I don't know if I am, so I explain further. "Why do you keep it away from everybody?" _

_"Keep what away?" Her voice is low and strained. _

_"This!" I say, raising my hand and touching her. I meant to go for the heart, but in my condition I miss it by a few inches. It doesn't matter, it's enough to feel it beating in an erratic rhythm under my hand. _

_Cosima's hand covers mine and I think she'll remove it altogether, but no. Instead she rearranges its position, placing it right over her hard beating heart. "Go to sleep, Delphine." _


	11. No Words

**A/N: I've reviewed the previous chapters and gave them a little facelift, nothing big just corrected a few errors and whatnot. So feel free... But in chapter 9 the first paragraph was not there, so...**

I hear Olivia moving around outside my bedroom door and I know it's late in the morning, maybe even passed lunch hour, but I refuse to get up. I want to keep the world shut for just a little while longer.

But my roommate's not of the same opinion and she's knocking softly on my door. I groan and push the covers over my head. I don't want to face Olivia; I don't want to face myself and all the mess my life as suddenly turned into. How did this happen? How did I let a stranger get so deep into my skin?

"Are you awake?" Olivia's voice is soft from the doorstep.

"Non..." I answer her, sinking more under the covers.

She laughs quietly and I can hear her steps getting closer to my bed. "It's almost one, Delphine. Are you gonna get up anytime soon?"

"No." I say again, but move the sheets from over my head and look at her with barely opened eyes.

My friend stares at me gently, but she's worried about something and I can only imagine what my face looks like. She doesn't say a word for some time, but her hand goes to my back and she starts to rub it softly.

"What's going on, Del?" Olivia finally says.

"Nothing." My voice is muffled against the pillow where I have my face buried.

"Now... I know your lying. And I rather you say that you don't want to tell me or that you don't want to talk about it, than lie to me." Her hand keeps moving on my back.

It helps me relax and I seriously consider telling her about it. Come clean about what's going on between Cosima and I. Although I really don't have a name to put to it, to define it, I know something's happening, there's no more denying it. It's too obvious to just keep it crushed under the heavy thumb of reason.

I turn my face to her and see concern plastered in hers, her deep green eyes staring at me with a compassion I know I don't deserve. Olivia's always so open with me, about who she is, how she lives her life and I used to be like that too, but these last few months I've been deceiving her; consciously or not, I have.

"I've..." I start, but cowardly stop, swallowing my confession. Instead I decide to take a different approach. "I've been thinking: what makes you do that? You know, sleep with other people and just let go..." Her hand stops on my back. "I'm not judging, okay... I'm just curious. There's got to be a reason, right?"

Olivia's hand restarts softly going up and down my back. "I could tell you." She says. "I could go on and on about why I do it, about how sometimes I just want to blow out some steam and don't worry much about the consequences." She laughs a little.

"Damn, if you want me to, I can even write a dissertation about it, completed with pie-charts." She gets up and I miss her comforting touch. "But I don't think it would help you. For the simple reason that my motives are, most likely, not the same as Cosima's."

I was looking down the entire time, my fingers playing with my sheets, until my head shots up at her last words. "I... I'm not following you."

Her face is serious but not angry. "I'm not blind, Del. I saw you two the other night at the bar. Although, I really didn't need that. There's a reason you can't stand be in the same room with her."

"Nothing happened!" I clarify fast.

"Oh... I know that, I've told you. I don't think you have it in you, quite honestly." Olivia smiles again. "Actually, the way I know you, you're most likely to run away from it as fast as you can. But that doesn't mean you won't come running back."

"Now you've really lost me." I'm getting up.

"You can't understand her and you hate it." She explains. "As long as I've known you, you've always hated when there's something you can't get your head around. So much that you won't stop until you do, until you can explain it so well, that will have people believe you have created it."

I look for my sweatpants and dress them. "Good, now I'm obsessive compulsive or something." I say a little annoyed.

"Not really... Well... Maybe just a bit." She snorts.

"Nice. But you're theory doesn't explain all." I tease her, getting in the kitchen after a brief stop at the bathroom.

"It does, if you let me finish it." Olivia follows me and leans on the counter as I rummage the fridge. "You see, your problem with Cosima is that, in order for you to understand her, you need to get out of your comfort zone. And I bet that's driving you nuts."

"I can't believe you're in Environmental Sciences and not Psychology." I say ironically.

She smirks. "Yeah, yeah... Mock all you want, but if there's something you can't stand more than not understand something it's get into a situation out of your control."

"Annnndddd.. Now I'm a control freak... Brilliant!" I take the chicken out of the fridge and start to look for a pot.

"Yes, you are. That's why you and Albert get along so well, you're cut from the same cloth." My roommate starts to move around the kitchen as well, helping me get the lunch moving.

"So now it's not because of his money?" I say distracted.

She stops. "I shouldn't have said that. It was stupid, I know your not like that."

I look at her in a reassuring way. "I know, Olivia, forget about it. I was just teasing."

We work in silence for some time, we've learned how to do it long ago, dance around each other without stepping on each other's toes. I know it's something hard to find, this familiarity with someone who you live with for no other reason than the need to share a rent. I consider myself lucky for it, even if in our earlier dances in the kitchen, or every other common area of the house, we were not so graceful.

"Aren't you upset about what's going on between Cosima and I?" I knew I eventually had to ask.

"What _is_ going on between you two?" Olivia answers my question with a question, one to which I'm nowhere near to know the answer to.

"I don't know." I answer truthfully. "I don't even know if there is still something between us."

"Okay..." Olivia stops what she's doing once more to stare at me intently. "Before I decide how I feel about what's going on between you and dreadlocks I need to _know _what's going on."

"That seems fair."

"Right, I know." She smiles wide. "And that's why you need to find out what the fuck's happening, so you can tell me, so I can freak. Deal?"

"Are you really gonna freak?" I raise my brow.

"I might!"

"I never wanted any of this, Olivia. You've got to believe me." I want her to understand, I need her to know I haven't plan all this crap.

"No shit, Del!" My friend laughs. "I'm not going to lie and say you have my support all the way, because that's not going to happen. But I know that from the moment you've crossed Cosima's sight, that was it for me."

"I wouldn't say that..." I restart working, get the plates out of the cabinet. "You two seemed to hit it off pretty well in the beginning."

"Oh, for fuck's sake, Delphine, are you fucking blind?" She stares at me in disbelief, with two glasses on her hands that I seriously am afraid she's going to drop on the floor. "Cosima and I would never work, we are too much alike in some ways. People like you, that's what gets her going."

"Nice little speech. But two questions." I say, taking the glasses off her hands. "One: if you knew you wouldn't work, why were you so pissed the other night? And two: What do you mean, people like me?" We're seating at the table, waiting for our lunch to cook.

"Right! One", she raises her middle finger and smiles wide, "just because we wouldn't work, doesn't mean I don't get to think it's fucked up that she ended everything without even the decency of the customary phone call. And two", she raises her thumb and her obscene gesture's completed. "People like you, you know... Who'll give her a run for her money. Cosima likes the pursuit."

"Right, and once she gets it..." I start.

"I didn't say that!" She cuts me off, lowering her hand. "Who knows? She might actually like you."

"She doesn't!" I say fast.

"How do you know? Did she tell you that?"

She doesn't and no, she didn't, she said she doesn't want me around."

"And did she give you a reason for it?" Olivia gets up and goes stir the chicken in the pot.

"Let's just say she made her intentions very clear." I explain.

Olivia hums. "And you didn't like that!" She concludes.

My answer comes without hesitation. "No, I didn't!"

She snorts. "Right, that's why she's got you all hot and bothered." Turning the burners off. Our lunch is ready.

After lunch I'm going over my thesis, finally completed and ready for my last review. But my mind wanders. I definitely didn't like the way Cosima had put things so bluntly, the way she spoke without any of the socially acceptable barriers. I'm not an incorrigible romantic, I know there are times when it's unnecessary. However a little tact from her end would be nice. Why does she has to be like that? To say those things as they come to her mind?

No, that Cosima I didn't like, but the one I shared her bed with... Well... That's a totally different story. I don't know what drove her to do that, to finally open up and let me in, to see a side of her that I know she guards with her life. Maybe it was because I was in a vulnerable position as well, maybe she thought it would go unnoticed. I'm also ignorant about the reason for her to keep it so close to her chest and worst of it all, I really don't know if she'll ever give me another glance of it.

I stop my chain of thoughts, considering the repercussions it could have if something like that happened, if she suddenly decides to let me in and I'm actually scared. If she let me in, what will I do? I have enough trouble dealing with her as it is.

What's left of the weekend I spend shut at home, avoiding everyone who's not Olivia, who occasionally I caught giving me a strange look but won't get into the subject anymore. I understand, despite her good intentions this can't be easy on her. My friend can play it cool as much as she likes, but I remember well how hard it was for her when Cosima cut it off.

All week was actually pretty uneventful. Cosima was nowhere to be seen, not once did I caught a glance of her freaking dreads and I'm starting to get pissed again. What the hell? That fucking happens and she decides to drop off the face of the earth.

Albert, to my shame, was also easy to avoid, him being on the night shift again, makes it too easy for me to find excuses not to see him: "the deadline for my thesis is friday" I say, even though it's completely done, like three days ago; or "I'm really swamped on papers", even if I have extends in all of them due to my application to the PhD program. It's awful and I feel like an asshole, but I really don't think I can be with him without getting things straight with Cosima and since she's gone AWOL, well...

Friday afternoon I'm going to the office responsible for the PhD program, a carefully bonded stack of paper and a small pendrive in hand, I wait for my turn to deliver the result of months of hard work. I'm incredibly nervous, even though I don't have to make the oral presentation for at least two more weeks, this is literally just deliver the stupid thing. I really shouldn't be so nervous.

The door opens and I see the face I've been looking for the entire week, before she hides it as fast as her eyes found me, lowering her head to the ground and walking away quickly. Now instead of nervous, I'm confused and on my urgency to talk with Cosima I practically throw what I'm carrying to the shocked looking woman, not exchanging more than two words with her, before leave and trail after the brunette.

I'm pacing fast along the halls that I usually so calmly walk, some people stare at me like I'm some kind of lunatic, but I don't care. I reach her just outside the building. "Cosima, can we talk for just..."

She turns at the sound of my voice, but her face and voice are the personification of indifference. "I thought I was very clear about not wanting you around, Del..."

Her words hit home, like I'm sure she intended. I watch her leave, without another word or a look back.


	12. So Fucking Ready

**A/N: So in case you didn't notice by the crude tittle I'll be dropping more F-bombs in this than Bette Porter in all the six seasons of The L Word… ****So fair warning or whatever…**

Fou, fou, fou... Stupide, bête... How could I possibly ever think she could have more to give me than what she has already? More than teasingly comments and blushing touches? Cosima never wanted that, never intended for us to have more than this and even if she did, it would not be what I... What? What I what? What I fooled myself into believe? That there was more to her than... Fuck!

At least now I know, it stings, but I can move on, carry on with my life and leave Cosima on the past or nowhere at all. Rip her from myself, from my mind and yes... from my heart as well, where she dared to enter and make her little nest without asking my permission, without even the courtesy of a warning. I'll drag her out, push her violently away if I have to. But I'll fucking succeed. I'll drop the memory of her in acid and make new memories with people I want and want me back in the same way. Not like her, not demanding _me_. I'll make myself forget how my heart swells every time she gives me one of her stupid smiles. I'll make myself forget how it feels to have wave after wave of heat crushing against my stomach walls every time she touches me with the lightest of brushes. I'll make myself forget how I cannot forget what it felt like to kiss her.

I should have never let her in in the first place, but she came barging in, intruding, little steps at a time, in my life. I didn't expect, I didn't see it coming and when I realized it was too late, Cosima had her foot in the door and when I went to close it, I just couldn't. Until now! I'll fucking close that fucking door and get rid of her!

I reach my house in record time, my anger fueling me to move fast. I storm in and next thing I know, Olivia is running out of her bedroom on nothing but her underwear and hair still wet, she's obviously just out of the shower. My eyes leave her alarmed face and move down to her hand, extended and clutching the TV remote tightly as if it's a knife. The ridiculous situation makes me laugh.

"At least I know you can keep us safe with your deadly remote skills." I say throwing my tired body at the couch, after dropping my purse casually on the dinner table.

"I could've thrown this at your head and then I would like to see you laugh..." She says, moving back to her room. She returns a little later already dressed and ready to leave, but notices I'm still on the couch, my right arm over my eyes. "Are you okay, Del?"

"Yeah, just tired. Don't worry!" I move my arm and look at her, she's with a half-smile and I try to do the same. "Do you know how you're always telling me I should try some weed? That it could help me relax." She nods and her smile widens. "Well, I think today is the day."

Olivia doesn't say anything, but starts to walk happily in her bedroom's direction. However, she stops at the doorway and I see her head drop. "Shit!" She turns. "I'm all out. But you know who usually has? Cosima."

My expression must be precious, because Olivia was fast getting close to me and seating on the floor. "You've found her?" She was obvious aware of Cosima disappearing on me.

"Yeah. Apparently you don't have to worry about figuring out how you feel about it." I try to smile again, but like the first time I come short of my intent. "Nothing has happened with her and nothing ever will."

"Shit, Del... I know what I said and I meant it, but I didn't want you to feel like this."

"It's okay, really." I'm seating, looking down at my friend, who's still on the floor. "I knew, all she did was confirm it."

"Yeah, but still... "

"Olivia, can we not talk about it, please... like ever?" I say raising my voice just a little.

"Sure." She pats my knee and gets up. "If you don't want me to, I'll never speak her name again."

"Good!"

Olivia tells me she will stay home with me, help me cope, but I insist on her leaving, go out, have fun. I know she's not entirely satisfied with it, but she does. I'm glad, there's no way I would want her to ruin her plans for the night because of me and my mess. Besides, I do want my life to get back to normal, like it was before Cosima tripped into it and this is normal: Olivia goes out, sometimes I'll join her, but not too often.

I consider calling Albert - that's normal too, right? - ask him if he has plans for tonight. Since yesterday he's no longer in the night shift, so he's probably free. But I chose not to. Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow I'll decide to spend the day with him, one of our lazy Saturdays walking the park. But not tonight; tonight I'm on a cleansing of everything Cosima related and I need to be alone for it.

I start by going over my phone and delete all her texts, after a couple of minutes of hesitation, it's her number that gets the same treatment. It's juvenile and stupid, but it feels... awful. Fucking Cosima! Fuck her and her stupid grin and her unstoppable hands and her traveling eyes. Fuck her!

How can I feel like this over something it never really took off? That I didn't want to take off, that I actively prevented it from happening. And in all of these foggy feelings I know what's hidden beneath it, deep inside: it's my fault. Deep down I know. Not the fact that she acted like she did - that's who she is, how she goes about her life. But the fact that I let her get so close, that I let myself consider, for the briefest moment, it was something actually possible.

But that is over, I got a glimpse into Cosima's world and I didn't like it, not only that, it would swallow me entirely until I no longer remember who I am. And that is something I won't allow to happen, no matter what. Lose myself into someone else it's something I never want to happen.

Olivia can say whatever she wants about my need to control things around me, I know that's true. Not in a way of predicting everything and everyone, but I do like to have some sort of handle in what's going on around me. It's not a sin to want to be the boss of my own life.

So... Yeah, maybe Albert can be a lite predictable, he can be a little stiff too. But that's probably one of the things I find more appealing in him, what drove me to him in the first place. To know he's there, to know I can count on him.

That's why the next morning the first thing I do is call him. He answers at the second tone, like he's expecting my call and at the sound of his voice a smile starts to take form in my lips. I've missed him, I didn't realize until now that I've actually missed the deep rough his voice has, more pronounced in the morning. We make arrangements to meet for lunch and as we're speaking Olivia leaves her bedroom and finds me in the living room. She knows who I'm talking to, but, apart from the ugly face, makes no comments.

Albert and I have a relaxed lunch and soon make our way to the park. We silently understand each other, we don't need to talk it over, to decide where to go next, we just know.

It's a typical spring afternoon in the bay area, sun high gracing us with its comforting warmth, if a little windy, but nothing we can't handle, just enough to occasionally send my untamed mane into a swirl. We are seated on a blanket, which Albert always brings, the soft grass providing enough of a cushion to make it comfortable.

Albert is holding me in his arms, my head is rested on his shoulders. He can sense there's something on my mind, but doesn't ask what. "Once you're done with the PhD application we should go away for a weekend. To you know... Reconnect..." He says, assuming that's what's bothering me.

"Yes, I think we should do that!" I agree, because even if the reason I've been so distant is not entirely what he thinks, the solution he finds it's good nonetheless. "It would be nice."

One stronger gust of wind rises and my hair gains a mind of its own. His right hand grabs a few loose curls and puts them behind my ear. This simple gesture is enough to trigger Cosima's memory and involuntarily I free the curls he just tugged. If Albert notices it he pays it no mind. "I've just missed you these last few weeks, it's like you've been elsewhere and I don't mean just physically..." He complains, but his voice is soft, not demanding.

"I know... It won't happen again, I promise..." I reassure him. "But you know how these things can be stressful." I use the same excuse his assuming. It's a good one after all and it's not like I can tell him what really happened. What's the point? It's all behind me, I'm ready to move on.

That night I spend at his place, after a dinner of pizza. And the next two weeks we spend more nights together than we've had in almost a year. It's like we are rediscovering ourselves. Olivia makes no particularly nasty comments, I think she knows I need this, I need to find some sort of routine to get my shit together.

The nights I don't spend with my boyfriend, I take the chance to go over and over my thesis, preparing for my oral presentation, talking with myself out loud, trying to predict what questions the jury will ask, finding the weakest spots in my theories and explaining them to myself until exhaustion. I eventually have to skip a few classes, but the professors understand, entering the PhD program it's not easy, there's plenty of competition and only a few slots available. But the Friday I receive the email informing me next Tuesday I'll have to make my oral presentation, I feel ready. I know I have what it takes to knock them down.

With that confidence I get a full night of rest and Tuesday morning I wake up feeling ready for the fight; more than that, I'm ready to fucking win! I have a full breakfast, completed with a big cup of coffee, which still brings memories of the little brunette, but I'm decided to put those to rest and I will no longer allow for her to enter my mind uninvited.

I've seen her, of course, in the hallways or in the library, where we had our last and only honest conversation, but I pretend she's not there and, if in the beginning it was hard, with time my resolution stands its ground and it becomes more defined, stronger. I won't lie to myself and say she no longer has some weird power over me, if I ignore it I'll let my guard down and that's dangerous, however I'm able to make my mind stay still. Control, that's what I need and that's what I get.

Sure steps guide me to the big amphitheater where the jury awaits to make me squirm in front of a large group of people, composed by strangers and some of my teachers. The presentations are opened to the public and it's not unusual for the room to be packed with people who work in the field and are looking for the next big thing or students who want to apply to the program in the next few years. I would know, I was one of the students who has done that in the past, dreaming of the time when it will be me in the middle of the room and explain my theories to the scary panel of jurors. Today is the day and I've never thought I would feel like this: calm and steady, my brain assuring me I have what it takes.

I arrive ahead of time and sit on one of the seats in the front row. According to the information, today four students will present their thesis, all of them will focus in different subjects and those who are applying with something that's somewhat related are not allowed to assist. The order of presentation is in the jury's discretionary hands, so I don't know if I'll be the first or the last, it makes no difference, I'm fucking ready!

At the exact time five people with stern faces make their way to the seats reserved for them on the main desk. They don't say anything, not greeting the nervous students or the other people who are there to assist their shredding. It's only now I remember the rumor that only a tenth of the students who apply actually make it. I cast those demons aside and refocus on the flashcards I've prepared.

"Alright, we'll start with Mr. Black." The head of the jury announces and I see the young man who was seating a few chairs away from me make a shaking decent, until he's in the center of the big room.

He starts nervous and doesn't improve as the jury asks him questions for which he has no answer to. Ten minutes in and he is stuttering and sweating profusely. In the fifteen minute mark the jurors decide they've had enough and tell him he can leave. I feel for the guy, I really do, as I watch him walk out the amphitheater with his head down. But the selfish part of me is glad, remembering those stats - it means my chances of getting in just improved.

"Well... That was disappointing..." The only female jury says. I hear some light snorts behind me and if I wasn't on the line for the guillotine I would probably laugh as well. "Okay, next is Ms. Niehaus!"

I'm somewhat surprised to see Cosima get to the center of the room. The odds of her presentation be in the same day as mine were not great and I never knew her last name, but I knew it was a possibility. Her thesis is focused on genetics. And she speaks with the same confidence she's always shown me. Smart enough to answer the questions she as a clear answer to and dodge the ones she's not so sure, although those are rare. In no time she has the jury under her spell, charming them with her enthusiasm and easy smile.

Cosima's good, really good. I think she might get a better grade than me and that's saying something. I'm good, I've worked for that, there's no shame in that. I'm not being full of myself, but I'm not a fan of fake modesty either, if you're good you fucking own it! Long gone are the days when being smart was something I needed to hide.

She survives thirty minutes of intense interrogation, finishing up with her dignity intact and leaving all the jurors with smiles on their faces. Cosima turns and grabs her things with a wide smile on her lips, she knows she's in. She starts to walk to the door and I breathe easier, I don't know what would be like to have her here while I go over my presentation. She stops mid-way to the door and I see her scan the room, it's not until then that her eyes find mine, she raises her brow and gives me one of her cocky smirks. Obviously she didn't notice me until now. Cosima changes her route and walks back to the seats.

"Ms. Cormier?" The same female jury's annoyed voice brings my attention again to the main desk. "Do you care to join us or should we reschedule this for when you find it more appealing?"

I get up and start to shake, my vision going dark. I turn my head around, finding Cosima seated on the third row, her elbows on the table and her chin resting on her hands. When she notices me looking at her, Cosima winks and gives me a thumbs up. I stare at the jury again, swallow the huge lump on my throat. I'm so not fucking ready for this!

**A/N: Also, I have no clue how exactly the school system works in the States, all that follows is purely for "dramatic" proposes… Hopefully I'm not too far off…**


	13. Round Two

My first two answers are tentative, at best. A strong force pulling my brain away from what it should be really focusing on. I feel too self-aware knowing Cosima is behind me and listening to what I'm saying, especially after the show she just pulled of.

At least one of the jurors notices my distracted mind. "Ms. Cormier, are you sure you want this enough?"

"I... Of course I want this!" My voice rises and I force myself to put a determined face.

"Than I suggest you focus!" His face is stern and the tone of his voice is indicative that I won't get another chance to pull myself together.

I look down, close my eyes and take a deep breath. I have to do this, I say in my head three times before stare again at the panel, hopefully with enough confidence to make them realize I'm here with the serious resolution of entering the program. The next few answers are a little more secure and as the questioning progresses I can feel myself get a little looser. I have no idea of how long I've been speaking, all notion of time is lost. I think about counting the number of questions they make, but lose count at eleven.

Some of the things they inquire I've predicted and answer with the confidence of someone who knows exactly what's talking about, while other questions catch me by surprise and I have to take some time to formulate the answer in my mind before actually respond. It's in these cases the jury can sense me wavering and they push harder in these situations. I know this is not some kind of special treatment on their part towards me, that they want to make it more difficult. In fact, I know this is standard procedure, I've seen them doing it before, time and time again, which is why I was so keen on reviewing all the loopholes in my thesis. But alas, no one can predict everything.

After what it feels like an eternity they let me go and I have no idea what's their verdict, but it's not looking good. As I gather my things I chance a few glances back and notice the jurors are looking at each other or scribbling something down, however they are not looking at me. Then I raise my head and see Cosima, noting she has the same "I'm not so sure" look as the panel.

I move to the door fast, desperate for a cigarette. As I approach the building's main door I can hear the clear sound of the rain hitting the pavement. In the early morning, when I left home, there were some clouds, but they were high and white, I didn't think it would actually rain. But when I'm finally by the entrance I notice this is not rain. No, it's freaking pouring, in such a way I can hardly see the other side of the parking lot.

I join the other people are who were caught by surprise by the spring shower. After a couple of minutes I can't wait much longer and softly push my way around the people to get out. The edge of the roof is large enough to lean on the building's wall and don't get hit by the rain. I manage my way through and search my purse for my pack of cigarettes, taking out the last of the sticks and the lighter, put it between my lips and roll the lighter, expecting the flame, but it doesn't come, two, three times... nothing. I shake it in a futile attempt to get it to work, getting more frustrated when nothing happens.

I hear a snort coming from where several people are waiting for the rain to ease so they can be on their way. I turn my head and see Cosima with a smirk on her lips, extending her hand, which is holding a lighter. I take it and mumble something resembling a thanks.

However, it seems like nature is conspiring against me and my bad habit, because as I take the the flame close to my mouth a gust of wind rises, bringing the rain to where I am and wetting the entire cigarette. All I can do is look at the stick in my fingers starting to crumble. I give the lighter back to its owner and throw my head against the wall. "Parfait!"

"Bad day?" She asks.

I open my eyes and turn my head to her and the sympathetic smile on her lips. "You have no idea."

"Actually, I probably do."

"Right! You were there." I say matter of factually.

"Oh, c'mon, you were great!" Cosima tries to encourage me.

"No I wasn't! _You _were great." I say pointing the melted cigarette to her. "_I_ was a fucking mess." And disposed the useless thing in the bin next to the door.

"Okay, fine! You could've done better, but not all is lost." She gives two little steps and gets closer to me. "Your problem is that you are always very tense, you over think things."

"I don't think is such a bad thing over thinking when I'm applying to a PhD."

"Yeah, well it is!" She states, passing in front of me, getting a few drops of rain on her dreads and then stops, looking back. "Are you coming?"

I don't ask where. I don't ask why. Why does she wants me to follow her after she made perfectly clear she doesn't want to spend time with me. But I do, I follow her along the edge of the building, my shoes sinking in the soft, wet grass around it, until we turn left and are away from prying eyes. She gives a few more steps and stops, somewhere in the middle of the wall. I stop with her and lean my back on it like she does. The ground around us is much dryer here, it looks like when the wind picks up its in the other direction, making it safer for us on this side of the building other than in front of it.

The rain is relentless on its battering, muffling any other sound around us; the only sounds I can hear other than the rain is Cosima's calm breathing on my left along with my own and the hard pounding of my heart caused by the contact between my upper arm and the shorter girl's shoulder. Despite it all I don't move away and just close my eyes, some of the earlier tension releasing my body and being replaced with one of an entirely different nature.

Cosima remains quiet and I don't say a word either. But after what was probably more than ten minutes I hear a lighter go off and the smell of weed burning reaches my nostrils. I keep my eyes shut, more than used to people smoking around me, with Olivia being my roommate and all... It doesn't bother me the least. But it's not long before I fell Cosima's elbow nudging my arm. I open my eyes and look at her. The carefully rolled stick between her fingers extended in my direction. A little smirk on her lips.

"Oh... I'm good, thanks!" I say, waving my hand and rejecting her offer.

She brings the joint to her lips again, taking a deep drag and releasing the white smoke, which goes up in a lazy swirl until the strong rain dissipates it. "I just thought you needed it."

I laugh softly. "I do, actually."

"Then?" Cosima asks, turning her body, her shoulder supporting her again the wall, her eyes on my face. "Do you socially condemn it or something?"

I shiver lightly from the lack of warmth against my side. "No. If I did, do you think I would live with Olivia?"

"Yeah, I didn't think so... " Her eyes are starting to glare even more than usual." Okay... It's against doctor's orders?"

"No."

"I got it! It's against your religion!"

My laugh increases. "No, I just can't."

"I think you're afraid you're going to lose your composer with me around again." Cosima says with a cocky expression. And she might have just hit the nail in the head.

"And I think this is what you Americans call peer pressure!" I answer instead, in the same tone.

"You're right. I'm sorry." She takes another hit. "Do what you want!"

"I am." I say back, staring at the smoke coming out of her lips.

"Good!"

"Good."

Cosima continues to smoke in silence, her eyes turning redder with each drag and I can't help but stare at her lips, expertly enveloping the tip of the joint and expelling thick clouds of white smoke. My heart is racing and I swallow dry. I move my hand and take the half-smoked weed from between her fingers, which jerk a little with my touch.

I raise it to the front of my face and turn it this way and that. "You know... It's the second time you accuse me of being a chinckenshit." I say before take a daring deep drag, holding it until I can't take it no more and eventually have to cough out the smoke burning my lungs.

Cosima's laugh is throaty. "Chinckenshit!? I don't think I've heard that expression in years..." She takes the smoke away from me and it's my turn to shiver with the light contact.

But I hold my own. "Okay, what would be the appropriate expression, then?"

"I think pussy would be a good application to the matter at hand." Cosima answers with a fake snobbish look.

"That's kind of vulgar, don't you think?" I enter her joke and take the joint to my mouth after she hands it to me.

She waves her now free hands around her. "Okay... Okay... You're totally right." She stops, thinking for some time. "What about craven? Very fancy, has a Victorian era ring to it."

"Much better." I agree and take another hit, before giving the almost smoked joint back to her.

She takes it and moves a little, so she's right in front of me. I notice some drops of rain, which has considerably slowed down, hit her shoulders and top of her head, but Cosima doesn't seem to care. I have to raise my head, pulling up my chin, so I don't blow the smoke right to her face.

"I think you have the most elegant neck I've ever seen." Cosima's voice is low in my ears.

This should disturb me, after weeks of trying to have some closure of Cosima and fighting hard to drag her away from my mind. Allowing myself to get this close again it's the last thing I should be doing. But, I don't know if it's the pot or Cosima herself, probably a combination of both, I don't move. Instead I laugh a little. "l don't think anyone has ever praised my neck before."

"Glad to be your first." I can feel her words against the base of my neck. Cosima's lips start to move up and I keep my head as it is, giving her all the room she wants to explore it. My hands move to her waist and I try to pull her towards me, but am faced with resistance.

I finally look down and see her smiling, staring back at me. I don't say a thing, but raise my brow in a questioning gaze. Cosima goes to the tip of her toes, her face as close to mine as it can get without us actually touching, and raises her hand to my cheek. I feel her thumb move to my lips and with a light push, releasing my bottom lip from between my teeth. I can taste the weed on her finger and if she won't come to me I decide that's me who has to move closer to her. Cosima allows it and our bodies are pressed together, my hands gripping her waist a little tighter. My body's humming, every little area that's in contact with her, even with the layers of fabric, seems to be burning.

She moves her hands to my neck, which still has the memory of her soft lips vividly, and pulls my head down. "If you want me to keep believing you're not interested, you better start doing a more convincing job, Delphine." Cosima whispers against my lips.

I try to think of something to say back. Something to prove her wrong, but am drawing a blank, my brain to hazy from the pot and the exhilarating feeling of having her so close. Before I can find anything coherent to say, Cosima moves away from my grasp, turns and leaves. Walking away under the soft sprinkles of rain that seemed to give up on their fight against the warmth of the spring's sun.


End file.
